11 January 2014


Boys before Friends, Episode 2 (A SnarkCap)

Posted by Kakashi Sensei on January 11, 2014
bcook: Hello Guys. I'm writing this with a lot of reluctance fear. I'm afraid I'm going to watch this show till the end (oh yes, you will!). Because the badness is so compelling. It's like watching a plane crash land on a train carrying baby refugees which is then derailed and runs into a bus full of cancer survivors. Utter horror and fascination. I'm going to do it though because kakashi threatened, pleaded, encouraged me to recap the second episode for closure. So this. I do for you. (Actually I saw the number of post views and got greedy. I'm a writer... I crave validation). 
kakashi: bcook, I KNEW you wanted to do it. You didn't need any "encouragement" at all! This is indeed hard to stay away from. I admit, I even looked forward to it!!! 
JoAnne: Oh I'm watching. I'm watching to the final credits. This is must-see TV, this is.  Simply because if you don't see it, you won't believe what we tell you it's like.
Episode 2

We start with a recap of episode 1. Why? Just when I'd managed to erase those images from my mind. Opening credits...hmmm looks like Zoey had a make-over aka face change. Viki commenters are cautiously optimistic. Poor dears. 
JoAnne: I forgot to turn on the comments again. It's ok, I comment to myself.

Ok. We're back in the locker room, the threat of assault eminent/imminent (that word always mixes me up). (Think of imminent as 'in a minute') This is pretty awful to watch. Zoey is still the same person but she wasn't in the credits. That's kind of mean. American KHJ (AKHJ) finally runs in and gives one guy a tiny shove. To get his attention. They stop and turn around. The sound goes down for effect and rises in a crescendo as AKHJ back hands bitch slaps grey sweater. He is cowed and they walk off. AKHJ can't remember his words. He reaches for Zoey, she says don't touch her so he takes of his jacket, puts it around her and WALKS OFF?!
JoAnne:  Slaps. Slaps the rapist. Yes.
kakashi: What cracked me up more than the fake bitch-slap (see below) was the stare down. AKHJ is about a head shorter than Meanie No 1. So he had to glare from down there to up there, which looked ridiculous to me, but apparently he has awesome glaring powers, because Meanie No 1 backed down pretty quickly.
He walks into the F4 lounge and confronts Ponytail. Did he send those guys to rape the new girl? Ponytail seems genuinely shocked. No he just said get rid of her. What did he think they would do?
The gang walks in, Chris first. They had a small problem. Ponytail does something with his hand and Chris' neck and Chris bends over. Vaguely Asian looking dude (VAD) (thanks JoAnne for that name) pretends to knee another one.
JoAnne: DUDES, seriously. We will BULLY women but we won't RAPE them. It's sad that I think this is mostly because they don't want to expose their dicks to commoner germs.
Ponytail decides to punish them. Meanwhile the roommates are waiting anxiously for Zoey to come home. She breaks down. There's a really random news bit on their TV about a model. I don't understand the significance but they use it to tell Zoey that she's awesome.
JoAnne:  This is the noona (wasn't it Han Chae Ah?) that JiHoo Sunbae had a one-sided love for. She went off to Paris to be a model and then ended up marrying a rich French banker and broke poor JiHoo's heart. Remember the birthday party?
kakashi: Yup, what JoAnne said. By the way, who feels like watching the Korean BoF with me? Anyone? Alternatively, we could also make our own version? But since there's so many women among us, we'll do a slightly different version. bcook can be Goo Jun-pyo. I want to be Yoon Ji-hoo, because I really liked his violin. JoAnne would be awesome as Kim Bum, I think.     
bcook: I'll be Goo Jun-pyo but only if I have better looking hair. I actually do want to watch the korean BoF again. Just to make sure it's not as bad as this version. 
F4 punishes the guys by having them stand topless as they play basketball and using them as their slapping boys? F4 does not support rape. It's a good message. This might be the best bit.
JoAnne: This was stupid but their faces were funny. However, the F4 are growing on me (sigh .... JoAnne....). I KNOW.
Zoey confronts Liam about the slut shaming. Good on her! Viki commenter mentions that her little shaved bit looks like a llama licked it. I'm distracted by the image and don't read all the subs. She sees a picture of the boys being punished but he still had it coming. She brushes by the 'mean girls' and they freak out coz she touched them.
JoAnne: I just spent valuable time thinking we never saw her naked then realized 'her little shaved bit' didn't mean what I immediately thought of (buahahahaha!). With the whole llama-licking part that's actually sort of a relief.
Apparently she reminds F4 of somebody...we will never know who. (Especially since she's going away - psst, no spoilers!) Ponytail is surprised she isn't more grateful. He wants to do more. The rest of the gang says it's all on him coz it's beginning to look personal. Since there's been no character development or chemistry shown between the two leads we'll just have to take their word on it. AKHJ pulls him aside for a tete a tete. The mean girls are having their own little drama. They might be plotting some revenge. For the touching? Who knows.
JoAnne: I want the mean girls to go away. I can't watch post-diet Raven, Meth Addict Melissa Joan Hart, and Live Action Lilo. The acting is too bad.
The rest of F4 does a replay of what just happened. Play by play. They're so impressed they want to take her out to lunch.
JoAnne:  They look like they were having fun. One assumes they were also getting paid.  What nation did THEY save?
The 'mean girls' are plotting. They want to show Zoey that she doesn't belong. The minions sound stupid. Hey I just noticed there aren't any commercials. What's up with that Viki?
JoAnne: What reputable business would want to be associated with this? Good point.
Bad French guy and VAD take her out to lunch and they're having a laugh. Turns out she has a bit of a crush on AKHJ... understandable. (I like his voice.) The conversation is awkward but the writers want us to know who the pairs are. AKHJ is dating the model they saw on TV. Her roommate is called Piper. Bad French guy (BFG) wants to know more. Zoey describes her ugly, the boys back up quickly. This may be the most amusing dialog they've written yet.
JoAnne: It was kind of cute. But this was Zoey's worst acting.
Mean girls set her up for a bad night. Come to fundraiser, it's just $2500 a ticket but you can wear casual jeans and a tshirt. Yeah right. Meanwhile, Ponytail is convinced Zoey is secretly into him but just playing hard to get. The whole world snorts in disbelief. 
JoAnne: So apparently this is that one guy Kim Tan could beat on tests.

AKHJ is playing guitar in her practice room. It's her room coz she cleaned it up and practices there all the time.  She wants to thank him for saving her. He gets up and leaves. Coz they're not friendly like that.
JoAnne: He's just pissed because she didn't return his coat.
Her dancing has not improved since last week. Wow, they left the marking tape on the ground. With the amount of youtube tutorials that exist out there I'm pretty sure they could have found some simple dances for her to do. Heck I learnt the first 5 mins of Gee Gee last Saturday. 
JoAnne:  Unfortunately she watched the tutorial on hands-free removal of panties from butt cracks
Ponytail walks in and watches her. Then gives her a backhanded compliment. He's trying to be nice. She's not impressed. What's wrong with him? He's good looking, he's rich, he has a six pack and good hair. She hates his hair, thinks he's whiny and a bully basically. What lesson does he take from that? To go cut his hair.
JoAnne: It's not a bad lesson, though.

So he goes to the show's makeup and hair person and cuts his hair. I know that to be true because he/she's wearing the same eye shadow as one of the mean girls. And there's a piece of paper stuck on the door that says something about camera equipment. Ponytail is no more and might actually be kinda good looking. O_o Hold on as I slap myself back to reality.
JoAnne:  No, he really is kinda good looking.  But that person behind him. Rainbow Shrek. No.
Zoey is dancing when the guys come in and kidnap her. Because that's how you get a girl to go out with you. They take her to... a massage parlor, to get a facial and get her makeup done. I think the makeup artists are twins. But then wait, she's with the show's makeup girl again and... AND her face looks so different! It's like she's a new girl or something. She's delivered to a house.
JoAnne: That is one HELL of a facial.
kakashi: I was VERY confused by this. And then, I couldn't stop laughing. 
Ex-Ponytail is happy to see her. She looks like a different person. Heh. She finally looks good enough to be seen with him in public so now she should stop playing hard to get. Besides, he has dinner and wants to make her his secret girlfriend.
JoAnne: I did genuinely laugh at his  'you look like a different person' comment.
She responds with a glass of wine to his face. 
The AKHJ shows up and they have an actual conversation. He always seems to show up where she is. He thinks she's stalking him and is secretly into him. Which he then proves by pretending to kiss her. I think these guys might actually have chemistry. Wait. If ex-ponytail wants Zoey to be his secret gf why did he invite AKHJ to his house?
JoAnne: There was some crackling there, yes.
She calls her friends for a ride and they have a little recap in front of ex-ponytail's door. Why? because that's where the light is. I think ex-ponytail's house is actually a restaurant, there's a sign on the wall closest to the camera. Wait. If it's a restaurant then why would ex-pony rent out the entire restaurant for a secret dinner and then invite AKHJ to come eat with them? Mind your step, the plot holes are wide in this one.
JoAnne: I am not sure he feels the need to keep the secret from his friends.
kakashi: I think you do not need to ask questions like this, friends. Just go with the flow. It'll be alright.

It's the day after and ex-pony wants to know why Zoey walked off like that last night and didn't she notice his hair? His friends watch and laugh as she shuts him down again. He seems to get over it quickly though coz he's gets right back into the fake basketball game.
JoAnne: I liked the trash talk. God help me but they didn't seem all that stiff with it.  And I think I'm losing my sense of smell. Am I dying? My body is slowly shutting down.
kakashi: The editors discovered a reddish kind of filter they liked and used it on all the scenes. Not a bad discovery. 
6 minutes left till this show's over. We're at the fundraiser. "Mean girls" are looking for Zoey. Her friends show up and gush over the food table. Apparently almond milk is something only rich people drink. The "Mean girls" are distracted by boys. One of them is trying to get BFG's attention so she makes out with Chris. The logic. Astounds. Oh Red hair is there with a new friend. They're talking about two people they have crushes on. We don't know who but that's ok, because we don't care.
JoAnne: Red Hair will be having a crush on Liam, if they're following the story. But Blondie should actually like Zoey, in that case, and appears to have a thing for one of the mean girls, instead.
BFG and VAD try to hit on Zoey's friends. The cut downs are rather amusing. Ex-pony is waiting at the door for Zoey. AKHJ is waiting on his model girlfriend. They have inane conversation until Zoey shows up. Ex-pony makes a fool of himself as AKHJ slinks away. Best line "You're looking really cas... relaxed"  She walks away... and he follows. He fumbles around a little bit more until AKHJ pulls him aside.
JoAnne: I'm feeling pretty cas... relaxed right now, myself.
They go into the room that Chris is in. He's still standing there, stunned from the kiss I guess. Red hair is still standing there with her friend. They don't even pretend to be doing something in the background. They just stand there. This is the saddest fundraiser ever. Ex-pony can't understand why Zoey is not falling all over him. AKHJ says maybe it's because she's cut from another cloth. What kind of books are these writers reading?
Then the video rewinds for a very inexplicable reason. Nothing new happens when it stops so it's not certain why that happened. I can only assume that the editor had learnt how to do that recently and wanted to see what happened
JoAnne: My pick for most puzzling editorial decision yet.

There's a cat fight between the "mean girls" and Zoey's crew. The only insults they can think of are that the (meaning all the girls) look like Trannies. Viki subbers explain what a tranny is. I've some some very good looking trannies so I'm not sure that's really an insult. Admittedly, their (all the girls) eye shadow was put on with a very heavy hand. Maybe even a man's hand.
Roommate piper is stuffing her face with cake. Wow, blond mean girl (who has so much eye shadow on she looks like a raccoon) just said "look how much makeup you have on". A drink is spilt and there is hair pulling. Things slow down and a very random party song comes on. The girls are escorted stage left, piper runs after them with cake. Blond mean girl had some of her tracks yanked out.
The show ends.
kakashi: Awesome ending. I'm so curious what happens next! 
JoAnne: Tragically, no actor's lives were lost in the making of this film.

Final Thoughts

bcook: This episode was actually rather boring. I think I've been numbed to how bad it is or I'm getting Stockholm's syndrome. Was it improved? Well, the sound faded out a little less, the actors forgot their lines a little less (mostly because they didn't say much this episode) and the transitions were a little less immediate. The new Zoey doesn't have that crazy hair style so I guess that's better. I feel so sorry for all the people in the closing credits. JoAnne: It's happening to me too. It sucked an infinitismal amount less.
kakashi: And I miss the old Zoey already. She was rough-tough. I thought her Llama-licked hair was kinda cool. Can the new Zoey dance? We do not know. Also, this episode was very short (not even 40 minutes) and about 10 minutes of it were random LA filler-pictures. 

kakashi: This is from one of the writers of the show: "... the creators of this series have put in over $250,000 of their own money to try and get the project done. Please take that into consideration when you are watching the next episodes. We are doing this out of love for a series as well as wanting to start a new era of television." OMG, I'm crying now. $250,000?!
bcook: Please. I've seen films done on smaller budgets that win awards. Fact is, the writers are bad, the acting is bad, the sound is bad, the show is bad. Just because you spent a lot of money and have noble intentions doesn't mean your "shit don't stank". They're basically saying "we spend a lot of money so be considerate". That's not how it works. JoAnne: And thank God for THAT.
kakashi: It's Thursday again soon! Episode 3 awaits us!  
bcook: Good Gosh no! no! uh uh. Ok...maybe I'll comment. 

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