27 July 2014

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Fall In Love With (Both Of) Me - Episode 16 (A SnarkCap)

Posted by CM Shukmeister on July 27, 2014
Shuk:  I am so done with you, Show. Who yanked out my Sexy AdGuy’s spine?  Can you bring it back pretty please, jusayo, onagaishimasu, por favor?
JoAnne: I'm still in shock that they just GAVE THE FFFF UP.

EPISODE 16

Shuk:  We are back in Whiney’s lair, watching her smear territorial rights all over her obsession, while Chalk Girl watches.  PsychoMom shows up – the wedding planner is there, and everyone is invited into the living room for some post-blackmail coffee and snacks. Uncomfortable looks all around, except for our blissful PsychoFam.
JoAnne: So declasse (how do you get the accent?) everyone knows that after blackmail you need something less acidic.
Shuk:  They want a huge engagement party next week, and an even huger wedding party the following week. Why the bum's rush? I’m beginning to wonder if JoAnne wasn't right, and somehow the entire company is actually Tian Xing’s through his parents. Would the PsychoFam have kept him otherwise, given their attitude?
JoAnne: Well sure, because now I'm convinced Wheelie the Monster has been off her rocker for years and he was the only one they had any hope of getting to stud for her.
 
Shuk:  Toady makes sure Sexy participates. He requests all their college buddies, and, of course the entire OZStaff to be there, as well at the TaoParents. Lance mentions his hope that PDLeo will agree to work direction for TX. And the ice-cold kicker? PsychoMom wants Chalk Girl to help plan the wedding. Do these people even have a speck of shame, even in their lower intestine?? Because they are ALL asses.
JoAnne: They're just going to pretend the LTX-TLS love out of existence. "Ignore it and it will go" - it's the other side of "build it and they will come."  
Shuk:  When everyone clears the PsychoHouse, Toady is left to look thoughtful over a glass of whisky, remembering that his mother offered the entire company to his fake brother. He all but breaks the glass in his hand as he swears that orphan upstart will never take the company away.
JoAnne: Yep. I BEEN waitin' for this.

Shuk:  And in LaLaLand of purple trees and self-licking ice cream cones, Whiny PPL’s some face cream while she hides her medications and talks to herself in the mirror with a wide-eyed blank stare.
JoAnne: She's actually really kind of scary.
Shuk:  Tao Zi and Tian Xing share a silent ride back to her house. Once they stop, he quietly asks if she is okay. The conversation is interrupted by his handler’s text message, wondering if he was home yet.
JoAnne: No, bitch. Now step the fuck off.

Shuk:  Chalk Girl gets ready to exit the car, but tries to verbalize a positive spin on the sitch.  She  admits how much pain her heart is in, then cups his face when she realizes his pain matches her.  She finally leaves him to cry alone in the LuLexus.
JoAnne: I hope he doesn't spot the leather.
 
Shuk:  TaoMom speaks to TaoDad about Whiny’s strange reaction to her touch.  This is overheard by PDLeo?  His thoughtful look carries him outside for more thinking, this time with a puzzled face and some shoulder circles.  He calls Lance, asking to meet up to discuss working at TX.  He thinks some more after the phone call; dare I hope some action on his part?
JoAnne: I lovedlovedloved him thinking back over his most thoughtful moments. It was Thinkception.  Go thinker!
Shuk:  Bangs is still stalking Helen with a bunch of BS but thankfully left his KISS shoes at home. Surprisingly, she seems to be talking like a vapid bimbo instead of crisp executive style. She rejects him yet again, but he still manages to force a little skinship.
JoAnne: A mystery is solved. The completely competent woman playing the role of the completely competent Helen objected to the coming plot line. Her absence the last couple of weeks was to allow the swelling from her brain reduction surgery to subside.

Shuk:  PDLeo and Toady meet over coffee. After OZ was destroyed, Leo realized that people saying they are pursuing their dreams are just verbose losers using that as an excuse. This statement is clearly right down Toady’s alley, even though he’s a bit suspicious of Leo’s turnaround. PDLeo has two conditions: his own team, and Huan Huan as the actress for the project. I think he has a plan, which is more than we can say for SexySpineless right now.
JoAnne: Leo is coming on too strongly. Fortunately, our evils are just plain dumbasses who ignore gut reactions. But really, the action is gushing out of Leo like a dam has been breached. He's too forceful, too bitter, too EVERYTHING.
 
Shuk:  Wang Chung, Kitty, and Chalky are at NewOZ, and the loveydovey pair comes up with a camping trip idea to boost morale. Helen shows up with cake and Bangs. By the way, how bad must your life be, if your office decorations include six tissue boxes?
JoAnne: Well that depends on who has the tissue boxes. If it's Bangs, I'm saying he's not using them  to cry into, if you know what I mean. Although that is sad, when you think about it. Never mind. Don't think about it! Don't! Don't! That's what happened to Leo and now it's ALL he can do - think about it.
Shuk:  Everyone is loading up in a nondescript van (where’s the Mystery Machine?), when Sexy pulls up. Sexy gets Wang-Chunged when he is pushed into the van with Chalky. On the road, a smaller black van follows about 2 feet behind, with a masked driver behind the wheel. They all end up in what looks like the exact same park as OZPark, except with a little pond.
JoAnne: We can call it OzParkPlus. You down with OPP?

Shuk:  Mutt wasn’t invited along, and Kitty misses her. She tells Wang Chung that he’s cool and protective like a Doberman. It’s hard to gain a Doberman’s loyalty, but WC steps right up to the plate. This canine has already made the leap.  Sexy chuffs a bit, and Chalky smiles slightly. The mysterious driver is now playing like wisteria and snapping photos of our ill-fated couple.
JoAnne: Esplain dis to me pliz.
Clearly not part of the tree...
... and not particularly subtle about it.
Shuk:  After a few picnic games, the gang chases Sexy and Chalky away for a walk while they clean up. Once they are out of sight, they clean up everything and disappear, leaving them the van with the camping supplies in it. Oh geez, the KISS shoes are back. Just kill me, already, Show.
JoAnne: I WONDERED where the magic tent came from. Not Aaron's. I know where that tent came from, alright. And it IS magical, yes. Man. I miss Mary. Like, a lot.
Shuk:  The unsuspecting pair shares a peaceful moment overlooking a wooded valley. After a couple of aborted phone calls, they realized they were scammed. They smile at each other, at least until he gets a phone call from PsychoFam. After a few moments of listening to him plead to his aunt, Chalk Girl marches over and disconnects the phone and turns it off. They decide to have a day to themselves.
JoAnne: Do they wanna build a snowman?
Shuk:  The OZGang takes deep cleansing breaths looking down at Taipei.  They decide to traipse over to a nearby temple for a little prayer action. Bangs trips over his ridiculous footwear, and finally shares a sincere moment with Helen, who calls him cute. Soo, the guy that thought he got his girlfriend pregnant a month or so before has a new one. Blech. Helen's IQ just took a sharp nosedive in this episode.
JoAnne: I didn't think it was possible for Bangs to be less appealing, but this whiny ass punk is just YUCK. And Helen! It started with her trashy outfit for the onsen, remember? I was like, oh here we go, they're doing the dumbdown.
 
Shuk:  WC and Kitty pray together at the temple. They read their fortune out loud, which says you must fight to find happiness.
JoAnne: Go beat up Whiny. I'll be very happy.

Shuk:  Meanwhile, Chalky and Sexy are having cute times by a stream. They both end up soaking wet, and Sexy piggybacks her back to the campsite. He’s drying his shirt marshmallow style over the firepit.  She’s down to a singlet and hiding in the tent until a nosy snake pops in to say hi.  Then she conveniently ends up in his lap, with her arms around his shirtless self.
JoAnne:  Yes because what I want MOST to do when slithery snakes are around is put MORE of myself down very very low, where the snakes are.
Shuk: Well, there is one snake she really really likes...
 
Shuk:  He soothes her, reminding her he will protect her. The moment gets drawn out as he rubs her lips and slowly moves in to kiss her.
JoAnne: Well there is that.

Shuk:  The kisses go on and on and why not.  They are the first kisses where they both are who they really are.  Tian Xing fashions rings out of clover stems and they exchange a promise to always have each other, and the memories of this night, in their hearts forever.
JoAnne: Stop with the dumb ass rings. We earned the kisses. GIVE US THE KISSES.
 
Shuk: The sneaky photographer is there to capture it all, and we find out he was hired by Lance when the little toad gets the snapshots emailed to him. PsychoMom and PsychoDau are having a conversation, and Mom is getting an inkling of concern for the mental health of her screwball child. Well, one of her screwball children, since the other one show up. He spouts some nonsense about Tian Xi belonging to all of them, then shows her the kissyface pictures.  WTF?
JoAnne: Niiiiice. No warning, no lead in. Just shove the photos in her face. I think I heard what's left of her brain fry itself out of existence.
 
Shuk: PsychoMom is shocked; PsychoDau is cool about it, until she goes up in her room and has a meltdown. Uh, oh,Stud Man is playing Pattycake with someone else! When she finds out Tian Xing has turned off his phone, she texts Chalk Girl. Then she sweeps everything off her vanity – spilled BB Cream everywhere! Butler Fu runs up when he hears the noise, and starts to clean up everything, looking worriedly at Whiny’s now-stony face.
JoAnne: He was so awesome, Fu was. Why have they reduced him to this?
 
Shuk:  The next morning, Lance introduces Leo as the newest hired employee of TX to Tian Xing. Sexy is stunned at Leo’s disloyalty to OZ and Tao Zi, but Leo sneers that OZ is dead anyway despite all his hard work, he doesn’t get the girl, so now he’s out for himself. The theatrics are very impressive and well-thought-out. Lance is happy and ready to begin a new chapter at TX.
JoAnne: I still say the change is too abrupt to be believable but then again, I'm normal. Those idiots believe it, so whatever.

Shuk:  PsychoDau finally gets a text from Chalky asking for a face-to-face, and she agrees if they can meet at PsychoHouse. Chalky arrives and is ushered straight to PsychoDau. Huan Huan coldly demands an explanation for last night’s shenanigans just as Sexy arrives.  Chalky gets straight to the point: she apologizes but she wanted one day with her love before giving him up forever, and only wishes that day was frozen in time. PsychoDau snarls that she had no right to touch her property, and delivers a wheelchair-height face slap.
JoAnne: I'm still trying to figure out if I could reach someone's face from a seated position at least a foot away and actually connect hard enough to knock them down. Come here, Shuk.
Shuk: [slowly backs away from crazy Connecticut lady]
Shuk:  Toady and PDLeo show up just as the slap occurs. Sexy tries to calm the nutjob down, but she just switches to biatch mode and tries to guilt the woman in front of her. Tao Zi says nothing as Whiny continues her tirade, blah blah, poor little me in a wheelchair, blah blah, betrayal.
JoAnne: When she admits that she let go so they could be together, why does no one say that if that's the case, why isn't she following through? She gave up her mobility so they could be a couple, essentially. But now she's using her mobility to prevent them fro-oh who gives flying fuck. She's crazy. They're all crazy. They deserve to be miserable. Screw every last one of them. Except for maybe Wang Chung.

Shuk:  Tian Xing finally speaks up. Does it make her happy to make everyone around her miserable? Is the pain fun? Butler Fu looks on apprehensively as Chalk Girl calmly rises.  She won’t regret last night, and her love for Tian Xing will never change. With that, she walks away.  Chalk Girl 1, Whiny 0.
JoAnne: Well played, Chalk Girl. Well played.

Shuk:  PDLeo breaks the silence by asking whether they should reschedule their meeting regarding the ad campaign, but she is ready to continue. Leo wheels her out as the other three pass glances.
JoAnne: I swear to God I read pass gasses.
Shuk: Well, Lance does look constipated. And don't they say "The one who smelt it, dealt it"?
 
 Shuk: Butler Fu walks Sexy out to his car, and warns him that Lance is jealous about PsychoMom’s affection for him, and he needs to be careful. Geez, he didn't listen to any advice before, I wonder if he will start now.
JoAnne: No, of course not. That would be too much like character growth.

Shuk:  PsychoDau is now smiling her creepy smile, and hiding more meds in that little black box, which is starting to get full. She gives herself a stay-crippled pep talk and giggles.
JoAnne: I want her to go really nuts. I want her to be the wheelchair girl during the day and at night she needs to get up and go do evil. And then she can say that wasn't meee, that was my sissssster in a really creepy voice whenever they catch her. Her first act can be to kill Lance, because 'you woke me up from my nnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaap, Lannnnnnnnnnce.'
Still has her stupid smile even as a zombie.
Shuk:  Later, she meets up with PDLeo to go over the ad proposal. Tao Zi is in charge of the overall shoot, and Tian Xing is expected to be there too. The advertisement concept is supposed to combine with her wedding, but now she wants some video to play at the engagement party as well.  What is she up to?
JoAnne:  I would ask what LEO is up to with this whole commercial thing but I'm just so broken by this point, a mere shell of my former self. I figure he thought about doing something with the commercial, but all he could actually decide was to think about it.

Shuk:  PDLeo does have a question for her, though. How much should a person lose to grab onto happiness? Whiny doesn't know, but she’s putting all her efforts into one gamble. She deflects any more questions by asking Leo about his own love for Tao Zi.
JoAnne: Love is an action verb, Leo. You sure you wanna go there?
Shuk:  Outside the restaurant, Butler Fu parks her to go get the car. A passerby clips the wheelchair, which starts rolling towards the street. PsychoIdiot has her earbuds in, which apparently translates to “I can’t feel my butt moving.”  She finally opens her eyes and realizes something is wrong after the wheelchair stops in the middle of the road approximately six meters from where it started.
JoAnne: She looks around in confusion for about 30 seconds but then the clear light of day causes her to burst into flames. Evil cannot live in the open.
 
Shuk: PDLeo sees this and runs for her, but it’s too late. A truck beeps and heads for her as she tries to get out of the chair.
JoAnne: Leo, as a reward for acting without thinking, we present you with this truck of doom.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Shuk:  A big question for everyone out there: Is there some legal reason why nobody, but nobody ever just stops? Isn’t that easier than barreling ahead hitting the horn and hoping the people leap out of the way?  Yesterday, I stopped for a turtle in the road, parked, and carefully moved the creature out of the road.  While I would probably make an exception in this case, it makes me scared if I decide to visit Taipei / Seoul / Kaohsiung / Chiang Mai / Busan / Phuket, or really any metropolitan area in Asia.
JoAnne: Oh, just Phuket. (Thank you. you really set things up for me so nicely.)
Leo's versus Huan Huan's brain.  Can you guess which is which?
Shuk:  In terms of the plot, I am also puzzled. The skinship was awesome, but how in the heck did Lance know what was happening? Was it Helen The Sudden Bimbo? Is Wang Chung still secretly Toady Jr? And I don’t even know why he showed it to his sister, unless he really wants to send her off the deep end.
JoAnne: Lance was having him followed in general. The dirtbag guy was around already, and just followed along to the campsite.
Shuk:  I’m really disappointed in Tian Xing. These people cannot possibly have any type of hold that should allow this type of behavior. Everyone is trying to help the two of them out, but he seems incapable of the littlest action on his own behalf. Find your cojones before it’s too late.
JoAnne: It's kind of too late. I didn't feel nearly the thrill at his naked chest that I expected to.
Shuk:  And LackLuster Leo is finally coming into his own.  Clearly he has a plan and an agenda, and even if we don’t know what it is, I have confidence in him.  This astonishes me, given his wallpaper status throughout much of the show so far. Su-su, Leo. Hwaiting!
JoAnne: Shuk, there was a truck. You know what that means. We all do.


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