11 October 2013


The Heirs - Episode 2 (A SqueeCap? A SnarkCap?)

Posted by Kakashi Sensei on October 11, 2013
kakashi: Hello chingus, I am so glad it is my turn now! We have a crazily complicated roster for SqueeCapping this baby called Heirs and I could barely hold still yesterday. I mean ... seriously! I. Did. Not. Like. The. First. Episode. Like NOT AT ALL. Like: hate with a vengeance not at all like.
JoAnne:  She's always this way about everything at first, though.  Remember WAML?
kakashi: Uhm ... why? Don't tell me I ended up liking that show?! Is that on record anywhere?!
kakashi: But everybody familiar with me knows: I am a very kind, very understanding person. And that is why I am giving this drama a second chance. This is its chance. Do good, episode 2!!! The big questions for me are: Will we finally leave cliché-deluxe-territory? Will we see Lee Min-ho naked? Will I bother to learn any of the names? Will someone cry? Will the English language be butchered more? Will we see more perfect bosoms? Etc.  
JoAnne: Uh-huh. Sure. Yes! Nope. Bet not. Never. Definitely. Oh my GOD yes. Certainly.  I just wanna meet the rest of the crew! Come on!
Episode 2

kakashi: Pensive Heir in his flashy, red car (note: there are some women who think this car is indicative for LMH's P-size. I, not being on of them, think his nose is indicative of his P-size) invites the Bean Princess to his castle. In banmal. Which, to me, sounds like an invitation to ... you know what, especially with all the allusions to the house not being "safer" but "nicer", etc. A soft, romantic music plays as the OTP stares at each other lustily. After a few seconds, she jumps him. Him standing for "into the car." No, no, you haven't missed anything, this is just me, making it sound much more dramatic as it actually was.
JoAnne:  If we go with the nose theory we may have to start calling him Pubic Heir.
kakashi: Still, our heroine follows the man with the carrot-colored-legs into the ... Secret Garden house! She is very, very much astonished to be in it and doesn't close her mouth for at least ten minutes. But where is Hyun Bin? She then is surprised that Sensitive Guy is living all by himself and suspects he must be doing something illegal, -yo.
JoAnne:  Don't you know all Americans are drug dealers?  By the way, we are definitely going with Bean Princess for Cha Eun Sang.  But you are not getting the central conceit of the Heir names, I think.  You have to choose an adjective that we actually use to describe hair.
kakashi: Ah! Too late. You should have told me before. And anyway ... isn't their sensitive hair? I know there are sensitive teeth.
kakashi: He gets up, scares her by getting closer and closer (and by pretending he may be after her kidney) and she, protecting her virtues (cause ... seriously. kidney? could mean anything), backs up, until she hits the wall. Her bum is now, accidentally, exactly where the door to her room is (hehe, funny-funny).
JoAnne:  When the show snarks itself before we can, what does that even mean?

kakashi: While she massages her tired legs and arms, she flashes back to the scene with her evil money-grabbing unni, when she suddenly realizes that she is very hungry. Thus, she ventures out, into the danger zone of hot namja, who isn't far - just upstairs, in fact. He watches her from above (in that expressionless-bored way LMH does so well), as she tiptoes around in the half-dark.
JoAnne: Where was the Pink Panther music?
kakashi: She must have a good nose, because she knows exactly where the kitchen is - and raids the fridge. PPL! En masse! Green cans all over. She starts binging in the dark, when suddenly, the lights go on. It's hot namja! She has already put a 5 Dollar bill there to pay him for the food (seeeeeriously! who does that) AND she only ate what had passed the expiration date. When he asks her for her name, she says "I haven't yet thanked you for giving me a place to stay" and he comments that that's a pretty long name. Overall, he is being sensitive and nice, because he is the Sensitive Heir. 
JoAnne: Sigh. He is the GOOD Heir. And seriously, the expired stuff? It's not like canned goods expire after a week. That house is too spotless to have old food in it. And what about BOTULISM? Don't try this at home, kids.
kakashi: Ovaries explode! It's Gumihot Heir. Strolling through a gallery. Or wait ... this might be his company and this might just be flashy art in his company. He talks to Teddybear Ahjussi, father of that cute little CNBlue drummer, about going to America and an upcoming family party. Gumihot is being a douche, Teddybear Ahjussi doesn't care. Gummi 0, Teddybear 1. 
JoAnne:  You can say it. Sex Heir.  Seeeeeeeeeeeeexxxxxxxx heeeeeeeeeir.  I do like Baby Daddy, but not his..mmm...hair.  Something about the front.  You can't see it in this picture, though. Damn...Gumihot looks good. He is a DICK though.  Maybe we should call Sex Heir Pubic Heir, if his little brother doesn't turn out to be the 'big' brother?
kakashi: I have an alternative ... what about Dick Heir?
kakashi: Oh, a new character. It's the evil guy from Nine!!! In a wheelchair. And he is talking to the other mother. While the other-other mother listens at the door. I'm sorry I didn't pay much attention, but whose mother is she, whose mother is she not? This is more complicated than a weekend drama! So ... Gumihot is motherless while Sensitive Hair has two mothers? This seems to be another case of not-enough-breastfeeding. And Gumihot does not like his brother.
JoAnne: See, this is where watching shows you hate raw does you a disservice.  That's KimDad.  The woman (who I hate in everything but is thankfully a bit toned-down today) is KimWife #2.  She's not the actual mother of any heir, but she did raise Sex Heir for a long time.  It seems they've split but not divorced, because she's saying she will never remove her name from the family rolls.  The idiot woman currently residing in the home is KiMistress, and the biological mother of Good Heir.  KimDad was messing around on KimWife #2, and not bothering to cover it up, so she forced KiMistress to move in, where she lives in a kind of limbo.  She's not officially Good Heir's mother, she's not a wife, she's nothing. And we don't know what happened to KimWife #1 yet.
kakashi: Lee Min-ho writes in his ... diary? Goodness. He has a diary?! Ah, because he is such a Sensitive Heir, he has many thoughts and issues of the heart. What he writes is about mothers, or rather people who desire what is not theirs. His mother (or is she not his mother), the slightly crazy, slightly funny one, is calling him, because she is sad after having been called Mistress by that other mother. Of course, he does not pick up. He, too, has mommy issues. Like his brother. See? You two can make up now. Or make out.
JoAnne:  I vote for the bromance, of course.  It's not a diary.  It's a journal where they have to write essays.  It's a common thing here.  You usually have writing prompts, and turn it in on a particular day each week.
kakashi: So ... it's like a diary that everybody can read?! The horrors!
kakashi: At the very same time, the Virtuous Princess (who hasn't cried yet!!) is calling her mother ... and lies about being at her sisters, while the Sensitive Heir listens to everything at the door. Alright, now she is crying! About time! Let them out, sista, let them out! And man, Lee Min-ho has a nose to admire ... O_o
JoAnne:  It's a schnozz, alright.  And I do think it's smaller than it used to be back in BoF days.
kakashi: Awwwwwww, how sweet! he brings her food, a wonderful sandwich (he cut his own in half!!!! *dies*). In exchange for letting her stay, she gives him a dream catcher. I do wonder briefly why we need a dream catcher in this show, but only very briefly. And I am also not going to comment on the sign he has at his balcony door, which reads "Surfer Boy". He hangs the dream catcher on it and admires his handywork.
JoAnne:  We all faint from the symbolism of their now-foretold love.
kakashi: And then he watches from the veranda as she frantically re-arranges the furniture in her room to make sure he cannot enter at night to steal her ... kidney. After which she starts to undress. Buahaha, she is totally unaware that he is standing outside on the terrace; but being a very sensitive and I guess good boy, he flees inside in shock. Oh goodness, so pure ... 
JoAnne:  I heard Korean boys don't even actually have working penises until after military service.
kakashi: What a beautiful infinity pool he has!! I want to be one when I'm grown up. No, of course I WANT one when I'm grown up! And ... a scene loaded with secret longing follows, as she stares out onto the ocean, while he stares at her who stares into the distance. Until she turns with a flick of her hair ... and sees him. And then she stares at him who stares at her. And she bows, awkwardly ... but, oh well, he stares on - and I guess that's the love at third sight moment? Cause there is muuuuuusic and he even opens his mouth a bit. His mouth with the pink lipstick on it. This goes on for at least 5 minutes.
JoAnne:  I was sitting here watching and thinking 'who STARES like that at a person without speaking? No one.' At least, no one who knows you're watching.
kakashi: She comes inside while he comes down the stairs, awkwardly clearing his throat. Poor pure hearted boy. He is going to school, he says. Are you going to learn some English, Sensitive Hair? She wants to pack her things and go, he comes up with all kinds of excuses why she should stay, and finally suggests she should come to school with him, to see with her own eyes what it looks like.
JoAnne:  Good Heir, Pubic Heir...Sticky Heir? He's certainly keeping her close.

kakashi: Next up, they are taking a ride in his wonderful red little ... car. I'm sorry ... do not read THIS, cause you will never ever be able to just see a car .... Anyways, she really enjoys the ride on his ... IN his car, while he clearly enjoys her on his ... IN his car. He even gives her protection. Against the sun. Oh my god, seriously, she holds out HER HAND to feel the wind, as if she had never before been in a car. Seriously. Who does that! In a convertible!
JoAnne:  I do. All the time. Even in cars with tops on them.  Why? 
kakashi: Oh my god, JoAnne. It means .......... not sure. It could be something sexual though.
kakashi: While he attends class (is he at university? I don't get it), she waits outside for him (of course, there are cheerleaders on the lawn, cause that's how it is in America). Princess is sad while looking at her mother's notebook again, while he is being taught the most beautiful word ("mother") and the saddest word (we are not told!!) in English. He scribbles "mother" on his notepad ... oh dear. Very subtle. I'm just glad Lee Min-ho doesn't say anything in class. But ... oh no! His teacher wants to talk to him!! Quickly, cover your ears!
JoAnne:  For her, the saddest word was 'dry cleaning'  I guess love means never having to say 'check for spots first, please.'
kakashi: Outside after laborious efforts to speak English, Good Nose Heir looks for the Princess, who is no longer sitting sadly on a bench, but is now staring at Korean women with BIIIIIIG breasts. Yeah, I understand that she's jealous. She has cup size AAA. Or maybe AAAAA. But he doesn't seem to care much about the size of breasts (of course, because he is sensitive!) - he wants to be with her because he likes her!
JoAnne:  He is a card-carrying member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
kakashi: They're going to look for her sister together, but she is AWOL! says her boss. Just left ... like that. When they step outside ... Lee Min-hooooooooooooo! Protector Genes ... activate! He saves her from the Neanderthal Brute, who confronts her about her sister who took all of his money. Unfortunately though, his two friends, a Bum and a "slightly" corpulent man, come to his help. She grabs Sensitive Heir's hand and runs for it! This is funny. The two "friends" aren't exactly fast runners ... 
JoAnne:  WE GET IT, KOREA. (And actually, no, I'm not offended by the Americans.  They're funny.)
kakashi: He is making fun of them, until his fiancée calls. (How old are these kids? And why are they already engaged? Is that even legal?) He doesn't pick up (again). Because he is sensitive. And Rachel isn't happy (wow, I can remember her name!).
JoAnne: So do you think he ever liked her?  Or is it just a marriage/merger thing. She cleaaaaaaaaaaarly likes him.

kakashi: Binnie on the bike, hotness-alert! He is Hotel Heir and is doing what a Hotel Heir does ... he helps out in the kitchen and stuff. But not quietly! He is rebel! Rawwwr. There's a bunch of people around a table and ... I do not get who these people are. Should I? Are they in any way related to anyone we already know? Is that another Heir? WellDressed Heir? GrayHeir? I'm so glad I have you, JoAnne ...
JoAnne:  They are politically important and he is schmoozing.  Yes, it's another Heir.  (Also, Kang Ha Neul the Adorable.)  I have decided to call him Messed Up Heir.  But if he always has on a gray suit, Grey Heir would be a great name too.
kakashi: What I do get is that Grey Heir doesn't like Rebel Heir. And Rebel Heir doesn't like Grey Heir. Are they ... in a relationship together (apart from going to the same school)? Grey Heir goes to throw up in Rebel Heir's bathroom. I am seriously confused now.
JoAnne: Seriously thought they were lovers when he was at the door. I was happy, briefly. But no. They are frenemies. Messed Heir is the Sunbae at school, and he feels he doesn't need to hide his bulimia from Bad Heir because he, too, knows plenty of Bad's secrets.
kakashi: More bonding between the Princess and the Good Heir over coffee drinks, photos and messages. I just can't get over his lip color. And her aegyo gets on my nerves BIG time. Anyways, she wants his phone to write a message to "a guy who is a friend" (I know who that is! Cute CNBlue guy!) - it's her ticket out of here back to Korea. Sensitive Heir doesn't like that she wants to go back.
JoAnne:  He is a wee lonely babe, awww.
kakashi: O M G. Look! Shukie has included the "penis-flip"!!!!
"Look! It twitched!
kakashi: They ride a taxi together (right ... where is his nice red car again?)(got me too, but they ran away remember?) he drops her off at his place and gives her the keys. He is going to get his car and tells her to wait. Back in the taxi, he starts snooping around her "Talkingbook" profile and reads all her posts. He happens upon a picture of Baby Heir and goes into a first jealousy fit. Wrong. He is a sensitive guy; so he does not have any fits. But, oh my, he sees a message in which she writes that she hates how hard her mother needs to work ... and that she hopes Jeguk Empire goes bankrupt. But before we have time to realize that this is going to play a big role in the second half of this drama, when all the angst will start and the lovers will be noble idiots with amnesia, LA's only police officer knocks on his car window and gives him back her passport.
JoAnne:  It's a Barbee World, and I'm a Barbee Girl. Are the next lines really 'Looks fantastic, wrapped in plastic?'  I suddenly realize it could be a reference to condoms, but all this time, I've been thinking of bodies sealed up behind walls.
kakashi: I am just going to pretend that whole next scene with Krystal did NOT happen. *erase* 
But wait ... the guy is Park Hyung-Sik. He may be an idol, but from time to time, one of them can act! He isn't half bad: really liked him in Sirius. And also in Nine. Oh, is he a Heir? Does he have a name yet?
JoAnne:  He doesn't, because we're just meeting him. His is harrrrrrrd, Kakashi (JoAnne! seriously!! Stop it!!). But right now, since all we know is he is a bad student, we will call him Thick Heir. Although I realize that if the nose thing is true, that would also be a good name for Good Heir. I reserve the right to change Thick Heir if better information is forthcoming.
kakashi: Baby Heir is also in America! He really is a cutie, this one! After being harassed by whoever this Krystal woman is trying to play, he sees Bean Princess' message - and tries to call her immediately. In vain. Complications, complications, complications. And an abundant amount of actors to form all kinds of geometric forms: love triangles, quadruples, heptagons, etc.
JoAnne: Time for Sexual Twister, folks. Drop trou and grease up. It's gonna be a long night.

kakashi: Bean Princess is just about to leave from Good Heir's place (currently dragging the suitcase up the stairs) when Rachel comes in (sadly, the only character in this drama whose name I know). Of course, Rachel is a total bitch (what else!). She identifies herself as the Sensitive Heir's fiancée (ah, and he is a high school student. How the heck is he only a high school student?!) and kicks the Princess' suitcase off the stairs in a fit of absolutely not misplaced jealousy. Sturdy little suitcase doesn't break, so Rachel opens it and spills all her stuff onto the floor (pretense: to see whether she hasn't stolen anything). I do wonder: Why is her hair going quasi into her eyes?! Isn't that annoying?
JoAnne: Temperamental Heir?  BITCH Heir. God don't love ugly, child.
kakashi: Sad heroine sits on bench, all alone and lost in the wide world, as the wind gently caresses her beautiful hair and ... oups, skipped another Krystal-scene. I feel deeply sorry for Park Hyung-Sik and Kim Woo-bin who have to hear this woman talk in real life. So, Krystal doesn't like Sensitive Heir. I am sure we will soon find out why, even if we do not want to know.
JoAnne:  All I've picked up at this point is that Good Heir and Bad Heir used to be buds.  Also, with the amount of joking that goes on about how Stringy should date Thick, I'm guessing he actually secretly does pine for her.  OH!  Kim Tan was Stringy's first love.  I read that somewhere.  He broke her heart, but Baby Heir will heal her wounds.

kakashi: Speaking of which, Sensitive and Good Heir isn't happy when he finds out that his Princess has left. In general, he isn't happy about Rachel (of course! Engaged, but there is no love!). But who is that at the door, no longer sitting on a park bench? It's the lost Princess! She has realized she doesn't have her passport and she really needs a passport if she is to leave, right? When she sees Sensitive Heir, she turns in shock (cause he is engaged! this is wrong!), but he is quicker! Wristgrab! What does she want? She wants the police officer's business card, which she left in the house. But the FianceeBitch says she threw it out. 
JoAnne:  Temperamental Heir doesn't have a chance in hell. She's already dead, she just doesn't know it.
kakashi: Princess runs to go through the garbage, Sensitive Heir is angry at Temperamental Heir (who just lied) and then goes after Princess, while Rachel finds the phone, and Baby Heir's message. Why does she look at it so bitchy? If she wants to get rid of Princess, tell her about it immediately! 
JoAnne:  No! First I will make it as difficult as I can for her!  Because I'm illogical and mean!

kakashi: The Bean Princess tells the Good Nose Heir her whole life's misery in front of the trash can, and he, deeply touched, hands her the passport ... when two thugs arrive that want to beat Lee Min-ho up. I guess they're buddies of Neanderthal-guy again? Or the boyfriends of one of his lady friends? In any case, this time, it is Nose who drags Princey along and they run, run, run, from Malibu to Hollywood and Highland Park in about 30 seconds. The thugs are always close behind them but can never quite catch up, until out two (future) lovebirds find refuge in a cinema. A cinema where nobody cares if people talk loudly. 
JoAnne:  Sigh.
kakashi: He goes to rest his eyes a little, while she watches the movie and tries to understand what they are saying. Sensi starts translating ... "if I'm going to trust you, I need to know who you are". And then he continues to tell his own story: "Yesterday, I met a woman. Her name is Cha Eun Sung. I'm curious about Cha Eun Sung. Could that mean ... I like you?"- and CUT!
JoAnne:  And SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE.  Not really. But they make a cute couple.
kakashi: Zero points on my chemistr-o-meter, but I guess they would have cute babies.  

The Final Thoughts

kakashi: Oh well. What can I say. This was fun? I do not understand the point of this drama (and why are they so young?) and I do not understand why this guy is already behaving like he is in love with her, but I did not hate this episode. A definite plus: With that many characters there is a high chance I will like at least one of them eventually. Not sure which one it will be though. 
JoAnne: You like Baby Heir.
kakashi: That sounds just wrong.
kakashi: Finally, there is something ... comfortable about Lee Min-ho (especially when he sticks to Korean). He is like a Starbucks, so to say. The same, wherever you have one. He is always the same, whatever role he takes on. He talks the same, he walks the same, he does the same stuff with his hands. And he also looks the same. That said, I do like Starbucks! Very much so!
JoAnne:  Lee Min Ho, the ubiquitious chain store of actors. 

Recapper: kakashi
Commentor: JoAnne
Art Work: Shuk

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