02 December 2013


The Heirs - Episode 15 (I Can't Do A Thing With My Heir)

Posted by CM Shukmeister on December 02, 2013
Shuk:  We are three-quarters of the way through this thing, and we finally see some battle lines drawn. Okay, if you are doing a drinking game based on how many staring scenes are in this episode, your liver will still be in pain.  But we get some baby steps forward, and maybe a steely-jaw moment or two from our lead.  But for the record, I don't like Young-do with his fangs pulled because of love! [sob]


SHUKNOTE: Since Kim Tan has become a possessive fool who just makes everyone's situations worse, and Young-do has actually joined the ranks of humanity, however flawed, I will no longer call either by their monikers "Good" or "Bad".  I'm still working on replacements, though. Bear with me.

Shuk:  Kissyface at the party.  Actually, kissyforehead.  Oh well.  Is that what happens when you drink Neon Lime Gatorade out of champagne glasses?  No thank you, gimme the real stuff and let's play tonsil hockey.
cherkell:  Argh. Drinking Game commences... about 30 minutes before I started watching this episode.  Oh the pain... the pain...
Shuk:  Tempie is angry, but HotelHeir matches her by chastising her for her stunt. Luckily, since Eun-sang outed herself, he won’t get angry.  Thick is behind the eight ball as usual, but for some reason goes off on a tangent about a chain love letter he sent to her.  Wow, that’s a really roundabout confession.  The Barbie Chorus storms out of the party, angry that Beanie had the balls to kiss Kim Tan.  So they are blind and brainless.  Oh, wait, we already knew that. Thick falls back on the bathroom excuse; our ex-bully just walks away.
cherkell:  Another pointless scene.  Moving on.
Shuk:  Before she leaves the scene of the (fashion) crime, SuicHeir bumps into Rachel as he heads towards the venue, but gets a call from Tutorina which interrupts their convo.
cherkell: "Hang on.  I've got to make two girls miserable at once.  Will CYRB." 
Shuk:  Tutorina is angry he blew off the national college exam, but that only elicits a smile from him.  He clearly attended classes at the Young-do School of Bad Boy Antics, How To Get Girls To Notice You 101.  She tells him his mom is looking for him, but Hyo-shin will only talk to her, and only if she comes alone.
cherkell:  With a class lab on Wrong Ways To Make Girls Jealous held later in the evening.
Shuk:  At KiMansion, KiMistress pulls Bean Mom aside and puts her on spotter duty while she tries to open up the house safe. She about gives up, until the Silent Wonder Woman pulls a Wooldachi trick and uses graphite to identify the most-used numbers on the cipher lock. Together they open the lock – great teamwork! These two need their own show, or at least their own flat so they can bicker and amuse us forever.
cherkell:  Amen to that, my sista!  I already have a title chosen -- KiMistress and Bean Mom: THEY'RE COPS.  Tonight, on NBC!
Shuk:  Inside the safe, she finds the surveillance photos of her son and his paramour, and something else that widens her eyes.
cherkell:  It's probably a picture of KimPapa having carnal relations with a goat.  That would explain his jackassery ways for sure.
Shuk:  At the party, everyone is congratulating SuiHeir on the test, and he doesn’t disabuse them of their notion. The playful atmosphere is broken by Rachel. Kim Tan plays interference yet again and she promises it will go hard for him and his welfare girlfriend.  She’ll make him lose someone important.
cherkell:  More important that Beany?  What, those butt-ugly speakers in his room?  His Bad Sweater Collection?  Or dare I say... HIS PRIZED DREAMCATCHER?!? *nooooooo*
Shuk:  And with that, she kisses Messed Up Heir.  Which is, of course, when Tutorina shows up, just in time to see him agree and kiss again (for appearance’s sake).  The entire time he is staring at his noona standing shocked at the door.
cherkell:  Excuse me for a second.  I just threw up a little in my mouth. *blech*
Shuk:  BoNa has a tension-destroying hissyfit, and the party breaks up.  Outside, a drunk Beanie staggers down the sidewalk, followed by an amused Tan. She stops and gives a drunken confession and grabs his hand in public.  He blows on them to warm them.  This is a good time for a vomit scene, but no, his mom calls instead.
cherkell: And thank goodness for that, because I actually got physically sick after watching the first episode of "Let's Eat."  My tummy is hurty, Mommy Shuk!
Shuk: [rubs cher's belly and gives her ginger ale and crackers absentmindedly while watching the first Thor movie]
Shuk:  The two meet up, and KiMistress has a plan to continue the engagement to Rachel.  Tan is adamant that that bridge was burned for good.  He counters that, even to his real mom, his value is only as the second son of Jeguk Group.
cherkell:  OUCH.  But Tannie seems like he's finally hit the ground running in figuring out what trivial details come along with being born the second son of Jeguk Group.  He's not as dim a bulb as he was in Episode 1 anymore! *throws confetti*  

Shuk:  Messy and his parents have what seems to be a heart-to-heart.  They agree to let him study whatever he wants for a year, and the glimmer of hope on his face is painful to see.  They go on to say, since he has to stay behind a year, and he can take the national exam and go to law school next year.  I pound my head against the keyboard a few times, down some red ginseng wine, and make the air blue with my yelling.
cherkell:  You are assuming that these two "people" actually HAVE hearts.  I imagine an x-ray of their insides being made up like the Operation Game.
Shuk:  Hyo-shin takes a deep breath, and tries to get through to them: Can’t you get angry instead of suffocating me?  Dad counters that he has his own dreams for his disappointing son.  Mom plays peacemaker, but it’s clear she’s on Dad’s side.  The expressions on his face belie his misery, but the parents clearly refuse to see that.
cherkell:  Aw Messy, come here.  Noona will take good care of you no matter what you want to do in life.  Besides, there's way too many lawyers in the world right now.  Take my word for it; plan another career course.  Think about it, won't you?  Thank you.
Shuk:  Kim Tan finds Messy and asks him if he skipped the national exam just for notoriety’s sake.  Hyo-shin puts on the clownface and jokes about it. They have a cute moment of bromance, but they both recognize the wounds the other is hiding.
cherkell:  Bromance! *squee* *squee* *squee*
Shuk:  It’s Phys Ed time for Beanie, and the Barbies bully her almost immediately.  She gets saved by Black Knight, wearing the most ridiculous name-dropping sweatshirt that I have ever seen in a KDrama.  He tells the girls to stop grouping together to bully people. Beanie thanks him, and he good-naturedly grumbles that his skin is whiter than Kim Tan's, why can’t he be the White Knight?  He gets a genuine smile for that.
cherkell:  I half-expected Woobie to pull out some PPL face cream at this point.  (And besides, why hasn't he endorsed a cosmetic brand yet?  GET ON THAT, PEOPLE!!!)
Shuk: They walk together for a bit, and she offers to be a sympathetic ear for him.  It clearly makes him prickly so he makes a final snarky comment and escapes to his window washing punishment. I guess it’s no fun for him unless he’s jerking her chain.
cherkell:  I grew up in an atmosphere like that.  If a comment wasn't snarkalicious, then it was not worth speaking.  But still, isn't it getting kinda old now?

Shuk:  Both knights are side by side, when GumiHeir and BadDad are escorted into the school.  Oh, crap, they both know about the fight in school.  It was KiMom, who spills everything, including their class ranking.
cherkell:  Crappity crap crap crap.  This surely will not end well, will it? 
Shuk:  The reaction of Young-do’s dad?  With his son’s IQ, he should do better, but at least he’s beaten Kim Tan for the first time.  Young-do blinks a couple of times.  Yep, maybe you should have tried academic success before brawn a long long time ago.
cherkell:  Lamest Retort EVER.  Bad Daddy is just hiding his anger until they get off camera.
Shuk:  GumiHeir is upset that Tan is dead last in school, but his dongsaeng is just happy to see him, and thanks him with a smile before walking away.
cherkell:  And a slight squee left my lips in seeing Tan's puppy-dog antics.  More of that to brighten my day, please!
Shuk:  KiMistress and Tempie’s mom meet, and KiMistress is eager to talk about the engagement.  She is ready to end it, but Esther is clearly uninterested in talking to the mistress when the engagement should be discussed with the real wife and official mother.  That gets KiMistress’s back up, and she slides over an envelope like the one in the safe.  Ooh, it’s the pic of TempieMom and Teddy Bear Ahjussi liplocking in the hallway! And, just like that, the engagement is off.
cherkell:  Now that was a eye-opener!  I didn't think KiMistress had the bandwidth to pull the ol' blackmail route.  Maybe she learned the fine art by watching KimPapa's machinations?  Regardless, kudos to her!
Shuk:  In class, Tutorina is handing out small group literature assignment for 2 to 4 people per group.  Baby and Stringy asked Beanie to join their team, as the two rivals look on.
cherkell:  LOL it's almost like being picked last for a pick-up baseball team.  "There's no crying in Reading Assignments!!!" *snort*
Shuk:  And next we appear to have a 3-person team of KimTan, the Black Knight, and Beanie.  She can’t get a straight answer from either as to how this group was created, but she wastes no time in taking charge.  And it’s clear she has their number.  She makes them both share an video version of the book and contribute something to the project once it’s finished.
cherkell:  Cute cute cute cute CUTE!  (Whoops, a momentary digression there.  We now return you to our regularly-scheduled snark, already in progress... )
Shuk:  So naturally they drink their MangoSix PPL smoothies while watching her the entire time. Hee. They both attempt to jump to her defense against an unhappy customer, but she sits them back down with just a glare.
cherkell:  Dang it, that location has been bugging me for the longest time.  I must have walked by it a half-dozen times roaming around Gangnam-gu.  It's definitely not the one used in Shark or AGD, though.  Maybe Daechi-dong? *off to check Seoul maps*
Shuk:  A short time later, two flunkies show up for Kim Tam from his dad.  Young-do half-heartedly offers his services to rough them up.  As soon as he walks out, Beanie tells the manager she’s knocking off early and heads over to Young-do, who already knows what’s coming. He gives her a bit of grief, but grumpily agrees to give her a ride to KiMansion. She owes him one, though.
cherkell:  Oh honey, just stop it now.  Poor Baddy is already PW'd by you; do you have to rip the bandage off as well? 
Shuk: At the Kim Horror House. KimDad is beyond angry that the engagement has been cancelled and all presents returned.  KiMistress admits it was her doing, but PapaWheelie doesn’t care; he’s worried Jeguk Group will be a laughingstock among companies.  Kim Tan doesn’t care; rumors will make the company stocks change, and Dad can use it to get even richer.
cherkell:  And only in Korea would a change in corporate family structure be for the better unlike here in the States, which would call for a massive selling-off spree.  Everybody funny.
Shuk:  Dad looks like he’s going to pop a vein in his head as he tries to poke his son with his cane.  His mom stops it, and Tan loses it when he hears his mom call his dad “Chairman”.  Is he Boss at home too, instead of a father or a companion?  KimDad puts him under house arrest, including no school.
cherkell:  YES!  Now that's a KDrama I would pay good money to watch -- the Korean version of "Scanners"!
Shuk:  In his room, Mom berates him for losing his temper.  He asks her if she really had the engagement cancelled.  She smiles and said yes, she wanted to do what he wanted, and she was happy that she acted like his mom for the first time.  They share a great moment before she chirps for him to call her when he’s hungry.  
cherkell:  Aw.  But as I said earlier, this is not going to end well for anyone.  Least of which, those like me who don't give a flying flip about 9/10ths of these characters.
Shuk: At the Tempermental Home, Rachel is having a meltdown in front of her mom, that degenerates into a gripe about the rancorous divorce from her father.  She cries that at least, she had feelings for Kim Tan, and tells her mom not to interfere in her life, or use her as a pawn for the company.  Poor Rachel, she’s just unlucky all the way around.
cherkell:  Waaaaaah such a rough life.  Here's the World's Smallest Violin, playing "My Heart Bleeds For You."
Shuk:  The motorcycle arrives just as it begins snowing.  Beanie had been gripping Blacky’s jacket, and he hides the effect it had on him by snarking that she might lose fingers from frostbite since she didn’t use his pockets.  She knows it’s a bluff, though.  At the entrance to KiMansion she is surprised to see guards, and Young-do comments that this is the part of a book where the father/son become enemies and fight man to man.  She promises to repay him for the ride, and he muses out of earshot that she doesn't even know what favor he will ask her.
cherkell:  Better break out your Winter Leathers, Baddy... or that's not the only part of your body that may suffer some frostbite, if you catch my drift.
Shuk:  Beanie quickly makes her way to her room, and her mom confirms that the youngest is locked in his room.  She texts him to see if he is okay, which the Chairman reads.  He’s with KiMistress, KiMom and Teddy Bear Ahjussi.
cherkell:  All sitting there looking as if they're waiting for their death sentences from The Warden. *awkward*
Shuk:  He gives everyone tasks: KiMom to find and secure the most suitable bride for GumiHeir, and she’s off the family registration if she uses her shares to stop Kim Won.  KiMistress is to control her son or be kicked out.  Chief Yoon is to stop any rumors of Kim Tan’s illegitimacy from spreading from RS International (Esther’s company); make sure all extra shares are signed over the Chairman, and submit his resignation. Yoon is the only one to make eye contact.
cherkell:  [insert massive amounts of swear words in 7 different languages here]
Shuk: KimDad goes on to Yoon: Since he was one of the Chairman’s employees and yet allowed to stay with the company, then he is probably in cahoots with Kim Won.  Teddy Bear mildly protests that he’s not on either side of this battle but the Chairman says that’s the reason.  He is now tasked to bring Tan into Jeguk Group, and possibly his resignation won’t be processed.  Can we have Amber Eyes come back from WAML and push his wheelchair-driven ass down an embankment?  Pretty please?  No? [pout]
cherkell:  If that asshole doesn't end up in a mental institution or stone-dead by the Finale's time-jump, I will eat my laptop.  Yes, that's how much I hate that character.
Shuk:  At the Teddy Bear cave, he tells Baby Heir what happened today, stating that by not taking anyone’s side, he ended up without any allies.  Baby Heir doesn’t really understand, but he cheers his dad’s failure.
cherkell:  Poor dumb dope.  Cute as a button... but Baby is still Number 1 ranked in their class with that deductive reasoning?  *headsmack*
Shuk:  Kim Tan is pacing his room. Mom is worried he won’t eat, but all he wants to do is mope around.  Too bad, I think that’s the best sweater I've seen in 15 episodes.  Celebrate, boy, celebrate!
cherkell:  Yes, please eat!  I can see your ribs through those bulky sweaters!
Shuk:  School is Tan-less, and Beanie confides in Blacky that he must be terrified in his locked room.  Young-do asks her why is saying anything to him?  Just because he likes her?  Are they friends or something?  She looks sad as he walks away.  Yeah, girl, you totally picked the wrong horse on this one, and now you are stuck with an ultra-possessive non-fashionista.
cherkell: ♬ Life's a bitch... and then you knit.  Nothin' you can do about it...
Shuk: We have a standoff at the KiMansion.  Tan is dressed and ready for school, but the goons won’t let him out.  Dad walks out, tells the employees it’s okay to hurt his son as long as he keeps breathing, and to force him back to his bedroom.
cherkell:  Urge to kill... rising... Tannie, you're just too complacent!  When will we see the day when you rise up against the Oppressive Machine?
Shuk:  Kim Tan is seething in his room when Teddy Bear Ahjussi shows up to restart his business management classes.  Tan doesn’t want to; as a child he could never understand why everyone in the family but his mother had shares in the company. Plus, he doesn't want to do anything that will upset Won hyung.
cherkell:  When Tannie eventually stops with the Hero Worship, angels will sing and the heavens will open saying WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?!?
Shuk:  Everyone is whispering when Beanie sits in the hotseat across from Blacky in the cafeteria.  He tries to chase her off, but it’s about as effective as chasing a mosquito.  He asks her to have some fear of him, but the conversation is halted by the viral spreading of the news that Kim Tan is illegitimate.  In a low voice, Young-do asks Eun-sang how many guards there were outside KiMansion.  Ooh, is he gonna spring his frenemy?  Or will they hug in clandestine romance?? Will we finally see a throbbing scepter of kingly passion???
cherkell:  I pick all of the above.  I'm a greedy little bitch.  
Shuk:  PapaWheelie fumes as the news reaches him, and all parties: KiMom, GumiHeir, TempiMom, etc., start speculating how this news can be used.
cherkell:  Oh just melt into the ground already.  Or have lightning strike his wheelchair.  Either way, it's all good.

Shuk: A very yummy Zeus Hotel Heir shows up dressed up in houndstooth and minions to KiMansion to see his classmate so they can work on their literature assignment.  KimPapa is impressed with the young man's dedication and gives his permission.
cherkell:  Bullshit Meter just pegged at 11, sir!
Shuk:  Needless to say, our captive prince is surprised to see such a well-dressed person in his room, especially given his Bazooka-Joe cable knit.  The two boys chat, and Young-do explains that fathers and sons have fought since the beginning of time.  Blacky tosses Tan his phone to show him that his birth secret has been exposed to the public, but that he was now a major stockholder in Jeguk Group.  Blacky wonders aloud how he can get more dirt on Tan, since he can’t use that skeleton anymore.  Tan isn't really listening; he wants out.  They trade barbs before agreeing to a plan.
cherkell:  Blackadder:  "I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel!"
Shuk:  Young-do walks down the stairs in his motorcycle helmet.  KimGoons give chase, but the figure makes it through to the ZeusMinions.  West Side Story begins, as the two sides dance in the courtyard.  Meanwhile, Kim Tan (ah so that’s the REAL Young-do in the motorcycle helmet!) runs out a side door and hops the brick wall like he was a City Hunter or something.  I hope he put a spoon in his pocket just in case it’s needed.
cherkell:  When you're a Jeguk, you're a Jeguk all the way... from your first bloodless coup to your last takeover play...
Shuk:  And I have to say it: YOUNG-DO IS DAEBAK! From the shit-eating grin to the aegeo about his helmet hair, he is just adorbs in this scene!!
cherkell:  Totally agreed.  The little side jokes and small instances of meta are what's keeping me from completely drifting off into Boredom Land.

Shuk:  Tan’s first love will always be his hyung.  He beelines straight to his office; his brother looks less than happy to see him.  He quickly begs him to listen and trust him, but GumiHeir cuts him off.  Honesty doesn’t move people, money does.  And since they now both hold equal shares, there can’t be trust between them.  Tan promises to not go against him, if he only lets him stay, but Won only wants him to drop off those shares, and shake his little butt back to America.  Geez, not this same convo again.
cherkell:  Lather, rinse, repeat.  I got nothin'.
Shuk:  Tan feels the same as I do, and finally realizes that his brother can only sing one song.  He asks him not to throw him away again, but Won is inflexible.  You can almost hear Tan’s heart crack in two as he turns away from his brother and throws down the gauntlet.  You want these shares? Then yank them out of his hands!
cherkell:  FINALLY a show of some cojones!  Let's see how long that lasts, though.  We still have five more episodes to plow through...
Shuk:  PapaWheelie has Beany cornered in his Office of Bad Karma, and gives her two options.  She walks out of the office with an almost horrified expression just as Kim Tan walks in with KimGoons behind him.  They stare at each other (hey what’s an episode without at least 24½ stares?), then walk past each other, pausing to briefly entwine fingers before going in opposite directions.

Shuk:  Now it’s Tan in front of PapaWheelie,  and he mentions that the son is locked up, but the Jeguk Empire heir became an major stockholder.  Papa proudly says it’s an early birthday present, since Tan is his son.  Tan counters that he is no longer a son, but hyung’s enemy, in spite of his attempts to keep the family peace by going his own way.  KimDad counters that there always needs to be a spare pup to bark at the heels of the one in front of him.   That is his usefulness to his father and his family’s business. Tears well up in Tan’s eyes – to always wonder if someone will betray you, is that the kind of peace Dad wants?  Apparently so, as PapaWheelie’s expression looks more and more like Jabba the Hutt, all gooey and self-satisfied.
Shuk:  Tan’s expression hardens as he goes on to say that, thanks to his father’s machinations, he has lost his entire family, both real and the one he wanted to have.  Dad title drops about heavy crowns.
cherkell:  More like "Uneasy Lies The Head that Wears The Crown."  Nice try KimPapa; you've just now channeled your inner Henry the Fourth?

Shuk: In the next scene, we see Beany slowly climbing the steps to the second floor as we hear PapaTheHutt’s words:
“If you break up with Tan immediately, I’ll let you go, to any province (in Korea), America, England, France, wherever you want.  But if you feel you can't break up with him even if you die, then there is another choice you have. I'll give you half a month. You can meet Tan all you want during that time, but after the time is up and you break up with him, you'll go where I send you. It won't be Korea,  America, England, or France, but a very different place.”
Shuk:  We know what idiot decision she makes, since there is no resistance from the KimGoons.  Tan is brooding in his room when he opens the door to a knock.  And there she is, his Bean Princess with a shushing smile and sparkling eyes!
cherkell:  Is Beany drunk again?  Yeah, that's it.  She knocked back a bottle of KiMistress's prized wine before climbing the stairs.  Smart girl.. I think I'll do the same.  *hic*


Shuk:  I just cannot fathom Papa The Hutt's thought process, but I can gather that, having fought long and hard for the controlling position of the family business, he can't help but think that everyone will trample on his tiniest weakness.  What he fails to realize is that you reap what you sow, and having sons battle it out is not the best way to fortify your lineage's hold. Apoplexy, amnesia, or an aneurysm, could you choose one and put us all out of our misery?
cherkell:  I still believe that this Show could have been laid out properly in 16 episodes maximum.  There's so much going around and around and around and staring and.... ARGH.  The corporate intrigue should have ramped up much more quickly than finally being laid bare in Episode 15.  And the cardboard cutouts comprising the characters is grating, to say the least.  If anything, we finally get to see more of Kang Ha-neul's wonderful acting as his story gets to see some light of day.  KiMistress and Bean Mom's covert 'Mission Improbably' activities made me snort out my Mocha Soy Latte.  And the BabyBona Duo are mostly there for comic relief, but I don't mind because *someone* has to do it.  But the rest of these kids' First World Problems?  Could have been fleshed out in fewer substantive vignettes.  Five more to go... five more to go... *sigh*

Shuk:  I'm a little disappointed (translation: A LOT) in how one dimensional Kim Won is.  He has all the personality of a Dalek screaming "EXTERMINAAATE!" at his brother, with only tiny tiny flashes of other emotions, mostly in the presence of Tutorina.  She was probably right in choosing job over love; after all, didn't he do the same, to her and to his half-brother?  The writers did him a great disservice in not giving us more insight into his motivations.  Oh, well, they could make it up with at least one broody shower scene, I think.  Without hideous-colored fashionable bathrobes, please.
cherkell:  With some vegetable oil and a halo of light surrounding them?  Now THAT's a drama I could sink my teeth into.  I'll have my people call your people and get it green-lighted for the Spring 2014 season!  *maniacal grin*

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