Boys before Friends - (the much awaited (?) but quite delayed) Episode 5

kakashi: I like this new marketing idea, which I guess is called "it's ready when it's ready". Why stick to a broadcasting schedule when you don't have to, right? It's a really smart way to make people anticipate something they usually give a wet rat's ass about. [bwahaha] Around the normal air time (which, I think, used to be Thursdays?), people all around the world started asking themselves: "Will we get to see another episode of the USBoFiasco or not? And if yes, WHEN will we get to see it?"
Shuk:  Hey everyone!  Just me, snark-bombing this mess.  Because, why not, it can't make it worse, right? [shifty eyes]
kakashi: If you produce such a show, it's a great idea to leave messages such as "Thanks so much you guys for your support and patience. Our editor is working really hard to get you episode XY, which will be available in 6hrs." Or course, 6hrs later, there isn't even a trace of a new episode. About 10 hours after you promised to deliver, you can post another message, which reads: "Sorry all BBF Fans! We're receiving the file for ep XY now! Thank you again for your support and love that you're sending our way!". Yes, always tell people how much you appreciate them, even if they don't. 
JoAnne: Who are the deluded souls who send them these messages? Their families?
kakashi: Maybe they're just making them up. There's that level of delusional and I think they're not far from it, if not already there.   
bcook: Are there people still watching on Viki? Wait... do they consider US fans?!

kakashi: Next step. Don't post any updates. For at least 12 hours. That will keep everybody on their toes! If somebody really, really wants to know, they can go find out on that "because of the technical issues, episode 5 is delayed and hopefully we can watch it on this coming Monday, 10th of Feb". And then, BOOM, sneak post the episode EARLY! Don't forget to post something like "Episode 5 in 5 minutes for reals this time! Love you guys!!" on your Facebook "fan" page.
JoAnne: Don't forget where, too, because when they made the 5 minute announcement, I saw it 6 minutes after that, so I went straight to Viki. Nada. Zilch, zip. After 10 minutes, I went to their website, where I got a playback error message. At that point, I knew. This is all an elaborate prank, or a psychological test, right?
kakashi: Right??? It's still not on viki as I write this. Which is about 18 hours later. But love: it conquers all. 
JoAnne: Except disease, and this show is a pox upon us all.
Shuk:  If I was allergic to BS, the coroner would already be body-bagging me, thanks to this show.
bcook: *muttering* Shuk took my color. Official boys before friends website officially dead btw.

Episode 5

kakashi: We get reminded what happened in episode 4. In case you have forgotten, it was kissing. And talking about kissing. And talking about girls who like boys. It ended with Liam asking Zoey on the balcony whether she would go out with him. It's the next morning and it's a new Zoey in the credits. And a new Liam. Just like that. What, you're not even going to do a plastic surgery explanation or something? 
JoAnne: The 4 people still watching this who are not related to or part of the production all watched that hideous Episode Zero, so why bother.
Shuk: It’s like Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  No, not really, because that movie has better plot, better production values, and better acting.
bcook: Quite amused by how much I don't care about anybody on this show. 
kakashi: It's been so long since the last episode I've completely forgotten everybody's names. I quickly go and find the BbF website. Alright, ready. We have Chloe playing the piano. Wait, is this Chloe?! She looks completely different. Ah! She's minus tons of make-up, I think. She starts to sing. God knows why. The new Zoey comes in and compliments her on the singing. There is absolutely pointless dialogue. They now also have a dog. Oh wait ... Zoey is moving in with Chloe? Didn't they live together before? Whatever. 
JoAnne: Chloe was not filmed flatteringly in those first moments. And she's cute, so that's why we didn't know it was her. I also thought they all lived together already. The piano was nice the singing was...better than mine would have been, so whatever.
Shuk: There’s no way you can induce me to rewatch the first episode, even if you offered me fuji apple sake and samgyeopsal, but I think Piper and Zoey were at least living together.  Who helped spackle Zoey-1’s eye makeup for her audition?
kakashi: It came to me overnight that they are in fact talking about moving her shop. Or moving things into her shop. Also: the only point in Chloe singing is that the actress most probably wanted to show "the world" how talented she is. Only ... well.
bcook: Are they really? Coz I'm pretty sure they're talking about Zoey moving in. I laughed when New Zoey says "It's like I'm starting all over". Also the piano needs to be tuned. 
kakashi: Zoey calls her dad and he tells her he is proud of her. About five times. I am not entirely sure, but is someone in the room giving him clues what to say next??! Or ... wait a second. It's because the sound of their voices do not come through the phone but they sound like they are in a room together. Which they were, of course. Anyway, daddy seems troubled about something. 
JoAnne: Her dad is a complete sleaze. And are they setting him up for business trouble so rich Liam can help?
Shuk: Hey, don’t make fun of my Uncle Al Fresco! He dressed up for the role! At least, he ain’t wearing the wifebeater…
bcook: Why's he talking like she just moved to LA? Why's she calling Chloe Piper? Did Piper actress leave too? (sad, I liked her). Inquiring minds want to know!! ... Actually. Not really. Mom exists?! Does Dad fall out of window?
kakashi: Pictures of LA follow and some PPL. 
JoAnne: In case we forgot the last time they showed us those scenes, or their one commercial supporter.
bcook: Must be a friend of a friend.

kakashi: Chloe and Zoey eat something together and talk about Oliver, who has gone to New York. Then, Zoey starts talking about Liam and that she hates him, but doesn't. Chloe says she is dating someone. Background noises, people. Seriously. And lines, people. Seriously. Learn them. (or get FIRED)
JoAnne: I was initially heartened by improved lighting and sound although I felt both were still OFF, they were at least consistent. That died here, as did my hope for natural acting.
Shuk: If they would at least let the previous line complete before jumping on their next sentence, it would sound like something better than a middle school play.
bcook: It's supposed to be more natural? Guise! Guise! Is Chloe supposed to be piper? Where's PIPER?!?!?!
kakashi: More pictures of LA follow. Then, we're at a shop with clothes in it. The girls are moving things around. I am not sure, but should I know where we are and why? Zoey promises to get help. The other girls sleep around, and then help comes.
JoAnne: Apparently they've moved Chloe's shop from a sound stage to the front entry way of a store on a commercial street.
Shuk: She has twelve dresses and some street-kiosk necklaces.  Will that pay for store frontage in LA?  How poor is she supposed to be?
kakashi: Of course, Zoey has called the F4 (or F2, actually, but an additional F came). There is some "did you just call me fat" jokes, which I don't get. They call the extremely boring dude ... Riley. The new Liam is kinda hot. Only that he's about 12? I cannot write a better recap because absolutely nothing is happening.
JoAnne: Not hot. Not hot at all.  Not even a tiny bit of hotness. I didn't get the fat jokes either, mostly because they either didn't say the lines that would lead to that, or they mumbled them so quietly that the mic didn't pick them up.
Shuk: I’m getting ready to move.  I do not intend to reward the nice guys willing to help me by making them cart by butt around.  If that was humor, I didn’t get it. 
bcook: Fat joke was coz they brought Zoey in... you know what. Doesn't really matter. 
kakashi: Zoey and Chloe make Chase and Noah move around a rack of clothes from here to there about six times. So not funny. Chase asks where Piper is, and when he finds out she's signing some papers somewhere, he heads out, probably to find her. Riley tries to talk to Aubrey. Are they in a fight? He has a gigantic mouth and nose. They make up (seriously, what was their issue?!)
JoAnne: Aubrey has been in love with Liam since his first incarnation. When Riley kissed her at the club, she was mortified because she felt that everyone (Liam) would think they were together, when everyone (The Walking Dead - hey, where were they in this episode? Fired??! Please. Tell me they got fired.) was already spreading gossip about them, even though the reality is that they are simply lifelong besties. Yes. This is stuff occupying space in my brain. I curse you, Williams sisters.
Shuk: Better your brain than mine.  Thanks for taking one for the team, JoAnne unni.
bcook: I was actually looking for that thick maned Joseph. New Liam has little stage presence.  
kakashi: Next, GigaMoNo (perfect name for him) talks to Zoey, and how Aubrey doesn't have many friends. Cause she was bullied a lot and shuts people out. Yeeaaaaaaah ... and that's why she is in love with Uber-Bully Liam?
JoAnne: *shakes head wisely* Stockholm Syndrome! 
bcook: eonni so smart. Chase is actually kinda good looking now... *slaps self* Ok I'm back. (jetlag)
A close up of the necklaces
kakashi: Noah talks to Chloe. Ah, it's her store! Thanks for the clarification. They are "friends, that's all". We get a few close-ups of necklaces on sale at the shop. And maybe soon on the BbF website? Desperate, guys. This stuff? Only brain dead monkeys will buy it.
JoAnne: Guess what YOU'RE getting for Christmas. But I will buy it ironically so that I am clearly not a brain dead monkey.
bcook: If you're reading this writers/producers/casting agents put the tree on sale instead. Has Chloe lost weight? Noah is cute. Noah call me.
kakashi: It's evening, Chase is back. The girls shoo out the boys. On his way out, new Liam whispers something into Zoey's ears, unfortunately, the music is too loud for us to hear. But apparently, he said something about Friday, cause the girls are all over it. 
JoAnne:  Usually when a show does a call back to a commitment like this, they have shown you the making of the commitment in the first place. Or there is some expository conversation.  I'm not saying you HAVE to be predictable, show... but if it ain't broke... unless: next week, they'll only show us the last 5 minutes of an episode, in which two actors break down all the activity of the previous 35 minutes for us. Saves time and money.
Shuk: If they did that, I’d sent them Brain Dead Monkey necklaces as thanks.
bcook: I guess she said yes all those nights ago at the beach/lake house. Watching on vimeo kinda sucks coz no subtitles.
kakashi: Piper is cooking or baking or whatever at her place. Their place? It looks exactly like Chloe's place, in case Piper's place isn't Chloe's place. The doorbell rings, it's Chase of course. He wants to help. And he blurts out absolute bull-shit like: "I can tell you're a baker because you have nice buns". Does anybody actually write this shit dialogue or are they just improvising?! Chase find out Piper has been dumped by her boyfriend. Sound, people. He hovers behind her and totally wants to hug etc. ETC. They do some improvisation again. Will this continue for another 11 episodes? Very likely.  
JoAnne: People keep raving about how Piper is the best actress. I do not see it. I also call bullshit about the boyfriend situation but I can't explain why until later. Just remember how easily she tells him.
Shuk: Is it me, or is Piper and Chloe dating invisible boyfriends supposed to up the UNGST between F3 and F3+Little Boy?  Because it ain’t creasing my kimono, just saying.  Although I still like Noah, our Vaguely Asian Dude.
bcook: See I like Piper coz she's just talking. She's not acting (or trying to) so she comes off as the most natural. Plus I think she's the only one who's learned her lines this show. SPEAK UP CHASE! The mic is a little further to your right. 
kakashi: The sound goes south even more but I don't care because the next scene between Piper and Zoey is absolutely pointless. As is the next with Zoey and Chase, who wants to give Piper flowers. Background noises, people. 
JoAnne: Who shows up and then doesn't leave the flowers? That's not how you do it, Chase.

kakashi: Oh, but now things get interesting. NOT. It's Zoey and Liam, just about entering the apartment. She says she hasn't agreed to a date. She says she isn't feeling well. Why did she come in with him together when this is about them going out on a date? She lays down on the sofa. He touches her forehead and says "Oh my god, you're so warm". Then, he starts telling her off for being sick, only that he does it in a very soft voice. I think this dude is a bit shy.
JoAnne: He really really really is not the Liam we were led to believe was Liam. Also, I think he is just a very very tall 8th grader.
Shuk: [sob for Liam-1 and Zoey-2. Who might have been able to do something with this…maybe]
bcook: For the people who are still trying to compare this to the kdrama version. First...  don't. Second, this is the part where Gu Jun Pyo cooks her rice porridge. Or is that full house? 
kakashi: Is he trying to heat up something next? He calls someone. Who, again, is in the same room. That's so bad I suddenly am not sure AGAIN if this is real or if they're just pulling our legs? He wants to make soup. The camera has quite a lot of issues with focus. So does this whole stupid show.
JoAnne:  How do you make soup.  HOW DO YOU MAKE SOUP.  Read the fucking label, Liam.
Shuk:  And most third-graders can make mac-n-cheese. Or a sandwich, it’s just meat and cheese between bread. Not rocket science.  Not even paper airplane science.
bcook: The someone on the phone... it's PIPER! seriously guys You couldn't find another person to be the voice?
kakashi: Is that his sister on the phone? "On the phone", sorry, cause she's standing there, right next to him. Liam is getting more and more nervous and I miss the manly Liam#1. Liam#2 who may be tall but has the face of a baby fails to make soup and calls delivery. 
JoAnne: That was supposed to be funny. I think (good call). It would have worked better if he didn't occasionally look at the person who was 'on the phone' with him, or rub his nose compulsively like some kind of pre-pubescent cokehead.
kakashi: It's okay if I leave out stuff, right? Just imagine boys and girls meeting in various places, exchanging pointless dialogue.
JoAnne:  Absolutely nothing happened in this episode. Not one thing. It was just each boy trying to hook up with their particular girl. There is no plot, unless the plot is this: 'I am a boy, I have hormones, you are a girl, you have boobs, how about it? Sounds like a match made in heaven to ME, girl.'
Shuk: Luckily I was watching it at work during lunch; otherwise I’d be pissed at these wasted moments of my life.  But I think the fine citizens of my town need to write a letter and demand recompense for my pay. And me too! For making my turkey and rice taste like this script: bitter nothing.
bcook: Chloe has really big boobs.
kakashi: Zoey is now in bed. When she tries to get up, she almost steps on Liam. Hey, the new Zoey hasn't danced yet!! What style will she have? 
JoAnne: She's a clog dancer.
Shuk:  An insult to cloggers everywhere.
kakashi: Oh, it's a flashback. Somebody needs to tell these people that you cannot hear people talking when they put loud music over everything. He is trying to feed her, with zero luck. He then carries her to the bed, she thinks for sexysexy, but of course no, his intentions are honorable. Sorry, new Liam, your acting sucks balls. She forgets she is sick and starts acting drunk. They're about to kiss, when she throws up on him. He drags her to the toilet, to change her clothes. Seriously. What is her illness? Even with 40 degrees fever you do not act like a brain dead monkey. Yes, I used the brain dead monkey before, but believe me, there's no better expression for this.
JoAnne: I didn't watch this part because the oatmeal on her chest was making me gag.  On TOP of the gagging I was doing for the overall suckiness. It wasn't even FUNNY sucky this time.
Shuk: I want to give them a tiny props (like dime-sized) for uitilizing the much-used Throwup On Love Interest trope.  It falls flatter than a BASE jumper at the Grand Canyon without a parachute. But it was an itsy bitsy effort.
bcook: hehehe Shuk eonni where do you get these comparisons? I actually like the song that plays during this "flashback"  The flashback was very long. Maybe she was supposed to be delirious with fever.
kakashi: End of flashback. She remembers he helped her change shirts and starts beating him with a pillow. WTF is he wearing?! They start fooling around on the bed. But not really.
JoAnne: Because why wouldn't he pick the most feminine tank she has to wear to sleep in?  Instead of perhaps going bare chested, like an actual human boy.
kakashi: He looks like a natural cross-dresser. If he is not into it in RL, he should be
Shuk: I didn’t get it. But then, I didn’t get the whole episode, and 89.5% of the entire “production” so far. Also, she falls asleep in a messy upswept, and wakes up with fat sausage curls. But everything is covered by an Apathy field and I really don’t care.
bcook: Laughing so hard at new liam's outfit. I also think he's wearing it backwards. The play/make out session was so awwwkward I cried. 
kakashi: They brush their teeth together. Somebody's at the door! His clothes that he had dry cleaned. She is worried because she is late to help her friends, but he "took care of it", by telling his friends, whose names he seems to have forgotten, to help out. They clean the kitchen together and he is learning all about the mundane world of mundane people. More PPL.
JoAnne: I found love in a dirty place... then lost it on a lonely highway...  How's that for a song mash up. It works, all we have to do is take them out to the desert and run them over.
Shuk: So, ordering soup by delivery makes six red plastic cups and numerous paper plates worth of trash? I think he had a secret punch kegger with all the other high schoolers while she slept. Either that, or they filmed it after lunch and Craft Service was just too lazy to clean up.
bcook: You don't understand! She was sick for daaaays! daaaays! Also anybody notice that chloe's shop was closed and dark yet the shot of her and Noah inside the store was well lit?
kakashi: They start to play a game together. Zoey explains the rules for several minutes. Wow. Filming THIS took two weeks?! 
JoAnne: The game is called Spit.  Second graders learn it in less time than she takes to explain the rules. The GAME takes less time than she takes to explain the rules.
Shuk: Never played it. Don’t wanna either.
bcook: I don't understand this game. Kinda like this show. New Liam has no chin and I'm disturbed by it. 

kakashi: There's a Chase - Nikki scene, but ... seriously. By the way, they all live in the exact same place or do all doors in LA look like this? And STOP with those INSANE phone conversations where people are in the same room!!! In the end, everybody is at Zoey's. They watch a movie together. The fucking END.
JoAnne: The fucking BITTER end. So they're all friends now, that was the point. Right?  It wasn't to make me crazy?
bcook: Somebody needs to put them all on a family plan. Then they'll get free calls in the network and have real conversations over the phone. (I'm brilliant. I know). 


kakashi: Come on guys ... this is no longer funny. I think you should give up. Spend that money on something better. This is absolute shit, from beginning to end. Worse, it's an insult to each and every Hana Yori Dango adaptation ever made, and to everything that even remotely resembles Hana Yori Dango. 
JoAnne: Couldn't agree more. You should fall on your sword, folks. This is beyond bad. You have no plot. Then again, you have no actors, or any real production people, so maybe that's ok. I might really hate to see something good ruined by one bad element. If all the elements suck, though, you can just give up. A few of the actors seem like nice enough people. I feel bad for the humans involved, but hey... we all make bad choices sometimes.
Shuk: Bring in the Dead Brain Monkeys. I’m going back to work.
bcook: Re the phone calls: couldn't they have used face time? had a pre-recorded conversation? I know why this episode was delayed. The editor did his/her thing and was like "Guys It's shit and nothing happens do you still want the file?" Then they had a round table discussion (it always takes a while to reach concensus) when finally Lead writer/producer of KillWill productions said "No! Our family and friends faithful fans are waiting to see this. Let's send it out". There was some last minute waffling that the twitter person didn't know about but finally  sadly it came out! 
It's time bbofiasco people, time to call it a night. You're like that one guy at karaoke who insists on singing the same meatloaf song ("It's all coming back to me now") over and over because "he wants to get it right" ... not like I have ever experienced something like that.