JoAnne: I had a Mai Tai last night. May it fortify me now.
|We are in too deep to stop now.|
Shuk: Bro says no to Sista Ho. Lance strides up to the altar and demands that his questions are answered before the ceremony can continue. (1) Are you marrying for Whiny’s TX shares? Mom begs him not to cause a scene. Tian Xing does a step worthy of Fred Astaire and dances around the question, saying that feelings can change. Lance is insistent, though, that he gets an answer.
JoAnne: This family just boggles me.
JoAnne: I have a confession. I like Lance. I have for a while now.
Shuk: Toady then puts Chalky in the cross hairs, wondering aloud at the unbreakable love between her and Tian Xing, who strolls over to both of them. He then proceeds to verbally slash Chalky. He will now have a family, and Tao Zi will have no space in his heart or his mind. Whiny smiles an evil smile from the sidelines as Tian Xing proceeds to rip Chalky’s necklace off, and use the key to unlock her bracelet and drop both on to the floor. Whiny is now showing all teeth. Butler Fu is shocked and saddened.
JoAnne: This was brutal, though. Did you gasp? I gasped. And then prayed for a miracle so we could watch as a meteor crashed to earth and obliterated everyone in this room.
JoAnne: Maybe they get married.
Shuk: Lance is chased by PsychoMom after he leaves the chapel. He bitterly asks his mom why does she even care what he does or where he goes. She brushes off his questions and begs him to join the rest of the family in the banquet hall.
JoAnne: I truly do not get how she does not get what his beef is?
Shuk: Chalky is the last person left in the pews. She’s sniffing back tears as the rest of the NewOZGang watches, before they sadly leave.
JoAnne: It's really just not a wedding unless someone's heart is broken, though.
Shuk: The newly married pair enter the banquet hall as Butler Fu, apparently still in the chapel, picks up Chalky’s bracelet and the necklace key.
JoAnne: 'These will give me at least enough for a bottle of Thunderbird if I take them to the pawn shop!' he thought gleefully. 'Which is good, because I just canNOT with these people unless I'm blasted.'
JoAnne: I laughed my ASS off. Oops!
JoAnne: If you think you're lonely now/wait until tonight, girl! *singing while I drink*
Shuk: She takes the moment to roll over to Tao Zi. She goes into babytalk mode, asking Chalky not to hate her, and giving the ‘why can’t we all get along’ speech. She sends the final arrow with a smile: don’t contact her husband ever, and make sure that all OZ/TX interaction go through PDLeo or Wang Chung. Oh, and don’t make her angry. We don't want to see her angry. Triumphant little bitch.
JoAnne: She's awfully brave for someone at the mercy of every hill, stair case, and pothole on the entire island. Oooh, let's send her a map with all of those marked carefully. And then each day we can send her her schedule with an extract of the map and the approximate times she'll be near those places.
JoAnne: If you didn't, I would revoke your friendship pass.
Shuk: PsychoMom realizes Toady is missing and calls him. He’s in his car heading home, and refuses to return to talk to the press or the businessmen.
JoAnne: Like anyone wants to talk to him. It's not his wedding.
Shuk: We have yet again another dress change, from hooker red to ice queen blue. Tian Xing thanks the OZGang for their participation in the ceremony. Everyone is pretty stone-faced and non-committal. Only our crippled queen notices that Chalky isn’t there, but she shows up quickly and congratulates the pair. Whiny gives her a parting shot and a parting gift as everyone shuffles out.
JoAnne: Sorry, I'm busy annotating a map.
Shuk: More cosmetic PPL as NewOZGang goes over the footage and the ads. Tao Zi is distracted by streaming footage of the wedding. The boys quickly realize their gaff, and shut the notebook, but Chalky decides to rally the troops, and sends everyone off on a playdate. Except PDLeo, who is left alone and thoughtful.
JoAnne: She was AT the wedding. Why does a video matter? Oh, Leo. You know the dinosaurs are extinct because they voted to sit around and think about the ice, right?
JoAnne: She chokes on a green bean and dies, sending Tian Xing into a guilt-induced spiral of drinking and spousal abuse. Whiny puts both feet on the crazy train and kills everyone in her family, including her husband, and the scene fades to black as we watch a silhouette of Butler Fu drunkenly dancing in front of the flames as LiHouse burns to the ground.
JoAnne: Lance grabs the decanter off the bar and slams it into Tian Xing's head, causing me to briefly mourn the loss of that beautiful face. I hate him so much these days though that it really is very brief. Lance is easily convicted of murder, and finds that his particular style is much in demand among the beefier of the inmates at the prison. He spends his days hiding from would-be suitors and thinking he probably should have just told his sister to let go of her insane obsession with Tian Xing to begin with.
|At least he already has his stripes and his pompadour.|
JoAnne: You reap what you sow, Lance old boy.
Shuk: Whiny receives a text from Hubby that he will come home when he sobers up. She asks about her brother, but then hears him yelling downstairs. PsychoMom and Butler Fu come downstairs, and Lance demands a family meeting.
JoAnne: Everyone ignores him as if he weren't even there. Just another day in the Li House. Lance begins to wonder if he actually does exist, and becomes obsessed with his reflection in the mirror. At some point, the reflection starts to talk back to him...
JoAnne: Actually, Lance is the only one facing reality. His mother and sister barely share a brain between them, and I hate them so much for breathing valuable oxygen that I would personally fly to Taiwan and remove their heads from their bodies just to prevent them from every saying another stupid thing ever.
JoAnne: Tune in tomorrow, when Butler Fu is revealed as the alter ego for Leo. Tian Xing ain't the only one who can wear a disguise!
JoAnne: Me, sitting in front of my computer, silently judging this writer.
Shuk: Tian Xing is the first to head out from the house to the office. Whiny is the last to arrive. She gets parked next to her husband. And the face off begins.
JoAnne: Face Off. Now that was some GOOD writing. Oh God why do we have to keep talking about this stupid showwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I need a drink.
JoAnne: Allow me to point out that Mom has no shares any more - which was kindly pointed out by Lance THE DAY BEFORE, thus is not a shareholder, should not be at the meeting, and certainly would not be allowed to vote. Oh right. This writer does not hold with our pedestrian appreciation for logic.
Shuk: Toady proceeds to personally attack both of his family members in front of the board, until both women are in tears. And he walks out, the issue unresolved. Isn’t there a motion on the table? I think I need to review Robert’s Rules Of Order. Tian Xing isn't happy that his plan worked so spectacularly.
JoAnne: Of course not, because that just wouldn't make sense. hahahahaha oh, I'm crying. why am I crying....look, there's a squirrel outside...
Shuk: Stupid stuff is going on at NewOZ. Lance recalls Helen back to Tian Xi, where she gets involved in an authority badminton contest between our two men. Ultimately, she chooses NewOZ.
JoAnne: Lance breaks down crying. What about when she promised to love him forever? She doesn't care, though. She has found real love with the offensive midget, and finds extremely high platform shoes a complete sexual turn on, and it doesn't matter that Lance is rich, handsome, and mean - thus, the perfect catch. She wants her Bangs!
Shuk: He kinda makes my stomach feel queasy.
Shuk: More stupid stuff is going on at NewOZ. At LiHouse, Whiny is confused and hurt about what happened. Tian Xing pulls the wheelchair around so she can face him; the wheels sound like a fart, and I inappropriately giggle at what’s supposed to be a tense scene. Next time, release the brake and I won’t laugh.
JoAnne: No that really was a fart. If you don't move around your body gets all jammed up and one side effect of this role is that Beatrice farts all the time. The director tells her it helps everyone remember that they should hate Whiny, because otherwise Beatrice's charms would make that impossible. Then he gossips with the Second Assistant Director about how she always smells like beans and he can't stand to be in a room with her.
JoAnne: Unable to keep a straight face, he bursts out laughing. Whiny falls out of her chair trying to scratch his face and he sits in her chair, wheeling it back and forth just out of reach, laughing at how fucking STUPID she is. I begin to think there's hope for the show yet, but then I wake up and start crying again.
Shuk: [Pats JoAnne's back, slides over another Mai Tai]
Shuk: Breakfast is lacking in Lance and happiness, but he finally shows up, still in yesterdays’ business suit. Whiny tries to talk to him, that the shares do not equate to love. He starts yelling: everything he did to give her everything she wanted, included a man who doesn’t love her, but she refuses the one thing he asks for, the 30% stock in the company. He wants them to admit that, for Tian Xing, one trashed herself and the other gives him everything. All of this arguing earns Lance a resounding slap from his mother.
JoAnne: Shares don't equate to love? Really? Because the shares her mother gave her were described as a symbol of love, weren't they? So if she has all the shares, she has all the love, right? And if she gives that love to her husband...see, at the heart of it, this IS a drama about incest.
JoAnne: I hope they all die lonely deaths in slovenly hovels.
Shuk: After all the manipulations and machinations, the dynamics pretty much exploded the moment the wedding ceremony was over. Now it's just the rush to the happy ending. And I still don't get how they are going to easily negate a legal marriage in order to get the happy ending for our couple. We've already done the Truck Of Doom, so what's left? Amnesia? Terminal disease?
JoAnne: Turns out this is all a figment of Leo's thoughtful imagination. He wakes up in the park right before the moment when Tao Zi's brother dies, has time to push the brother out of the way but can't save Tian Xing or Tao Zi, and none of this EVER HAPPENS.
Shuk: And in order to keep up my flagging enthusiam for the show, I give you an informal contest:
Who has the best abs of the Fahrenheit boys?
JoAnne: Jiro. No question about it. Which is fortunate because I don't know those other guy's names. But the first one looks like he's got a gob of Silly Putty on his stomach, and the middle one is weirdly put together.