Fanfiction: Getting Lost on the Roads of Life - Chapter 4 (A KakaSaku Story)

Chapter 4 - Eight Pills

written by kakashi

It was one of the most basic human need to be loved. A gentle touch, an encouraging smile, a few friendly words… it did not take much to make you feel like you belonged and only a little more to become thoroughly addicted to touches, smiles, and words.

But with being loved came the wish to love back, to value somebody else more than yourself. It was one of the greatest weaknesses an elite shinobi had to overcome in order to be a blade that could be wielded with the necessary precision and mercilessness.

And yet, the most meaningful deaths Kakashi had ever witnessed had all been the sacrifices of people who loved someone more than themselves. Those memories lingered and a foolish part of him yearned to be like them. A lifetime of solitude in the service of Konoha, was it enough?

Yes. It had to be enough. The foolish part could be kept at bay fairly easily. He knew too well how devastating it was to lose those you had grown attached to, those who gave you the warm feelings of belonging. Repeated grief… it shattered the world and you never fully recovered from it.

Even during his darkest hours, he had retained some of his humanity. He was glad about it on this day, on Konoha’s rooftops - because how else could he have felt happy to have returned confidence and joy to someone who deserved it? And yet, his foolish side knew that forming attachments was not something he could afford. Even if Tsunade, with her keen eye for lonely hearts, was thinking him fool enough to forget this most basic rule. It should have vexed him greatly to be considered so predictable, but the situation he found himself in intrigued him enough to wait quietly and see what she would try to do next.

Until then: Just feel warm a little longer. A gentle smile, take it and remember it in that place of darkness you must return to again.

***

Here they were, standing on the rooftop in the fading light of this strange day, smiling at each other. It felt … it felt so right even if Sakura knew very well that thinking she would love to run over rooftops with him more often was probably not so right.

“Let me cook something,” she said, still happily bathing in her adrenaline and endorphin high, just as he said “Can I buy you something for dinner?” at the very same time.

There was a small pause, during which she waited for him to say something more. Only, he didn’t, he just continued that signature smile of his that was incredibly disarming, even if you weren’t armed at all.

“Those udon we bought don’t keep long, they’re fresh,” she said, regretting that she was so frugal. She would have liked to take him up on his offer, but letting food go bad? She could not do that.

“If you let me help?” he shrugged and lithely slid down the side of the roof that led to her apartment, disappearing from view with an elegant jump dive.

Show off.

She grinned and followed after him a bit more slowly, no need to overdo it after already using so much chakra today.

Kakashi waited at the open window, extending his hand to help her in. The gesture was probably nothing special, but it did seem very gallant to Sakura. No wonder, at the hospital, there was nobody who had time to spare for something like it, always rushing from this room to the next to prevent death. As she gripped his fingers tightly to climb in, Sakura noticed he had put on his blue Shinobi shirt over the one with no sleeves and it was already buttoned up. Remarkably fast.

Fifteen minutes later, she felt like screaming in annoyance because he was so very slow. Very carefully, he cut each piece of vegetable into perfect tiny squares and arranged them prettily on a series of plates. Snow peas, shimeji mushrooms, corn kernels, fresh bean sprouts - yes, those too! - spinach, tomatoes.

“Why don’t you gi…” she attempted to take the cutting board and knife from him to speed things up, but “I’m almost done,” he assured her, half-turning to block off her hand and continuing his very slow progress with a look of concentration on his half-hidden face.

Could it be due to her mounting impatience that she grabbed that very expensive sake from the cupboard next? It had been given to her by the grateful family of a patient a few years ago, when a treatment she had suggested worked a miracle. Ever since, it had wasted away behind the surplus rice and other stored goods, only occasionally making an appearance in her mind as sad, abandoned bottle she had no use for, giving her a mild pang of misplaced guilt.

After dusting the large bottle off and studying the label though she knew nothing about alcohol, Sakura decided to open it.

“That one should be chilled,” Kakashi said from where he sat, without even looking up. “Bring it here.”

And before she could tell him that Tsunade had made it clearer than clear that she should not allow him to use any Jutsu as long as it wasn’t known what afflicted him, he had performed the necessary hand signs to send a burst of ice into the bottle, briefly cooling the entire room.

How irritating. Could he not jutsu-cut the vegetables too!?

She went to the cupboard to get out the two brown sake cups with the pretty cherry blossom design she knew she owned, thinking it would be extremely rude not to offer him any. But that just reminded her… taking only one out and putting it down next to the bottle, she went to the entrance to get the pill dispensers from her bag. And because that brought her near the bathroom, she decided to use this opportunity to relieve herself, it was high time.

As soon as she had closed the door, she wanted to die from embarrassment. All her intimate belongings were on full display! Birth control pills. Sanitary pads. Make up. And worst of all, her underwear that she had hung up to dry the day before, some of it rather revealing - because she had decided that those needed washing too, even though she never got to wear it.

Silently screeching, she quickly took it all down and stowed away her personal belongings where he could no longer see them. She also took out two towels and a washcloth for her guest and put it on the sofa for him to use later.

Back in the kitchen, she noticed he was done with his tiny vegetable cubes. Finally! Putting down the pills in front of him, she said: “You need to take those.”

He frowned deeply.

“Tsunade said so,” Sakura added, using a stern doctor’s voice.

Kakashi lifted up the transparent pill dispenser and looked at them, probably counting them like her. Eight pieces. A day. That was a lot, Sakura thought. What were they for? He seemed healthy enough, she had checked his body after she had almost killed him, there was nothing amiss and though he had depleted his chakra during his previous mission, he was certainly gaining it back quickly too.

“No,” he said with emphasis and put the pills down on the table.

Oh, great. Konoha’s most difficult patient was sitting in her kitchen and refused to take his medication. What now?

“But you have to!” she tried her luck.

“What are you going to do about it?” Kakashi murmured and gave the container a hard push with his fingers.

She could have said send you back to the hospital, but that seemed like a mean and pointless threat to make because she did not plan to do that. Or she could have said I will let you starve, but that seemed very cruel too.

So she said: “I will drink this whole bottle of sake myself if you do not take them.”

Which was… just stupid. She had told him he couldn’t drink because of the medication. And now she was saying he could drink if he took his medication?

“Oh, you will?” he said slowly, a mischievous gleam coming into his eyes. “It will be my pleasure to watch you do it.”

“Why won’t you just do what you’re told!” she exclaimed, feeling stupid, grabbing the plates in front of him and walking over to the stove, where the stock for the soup was boiling. She started to throw his tiny cubes in with a deliberate lack of gratefulness for his meticulous handiwork.

Realizing the next moment he was standing right behind her looking over her shoulder, she suppressed a scream.

“Don’t… sneak up on me like this!” she exclaimed, her heart beating very fast.

“Sorry,” he said evenly and not sounding sorry at all, “it’s hard to change one’s habits at my age. But the soup is boiling too hard, this will spoil the vegetables.”

Now he was a cooking expert? If he took that long to cut things, he would never get a single dish done! Pressing her lips together angrily, she turned down the heat.

“Why did you not cook the noodles first?” he asked, picking up the udon package from the counter and looking at its white, fat contents. “And did you not buy pork belly too?”

Was he criticising her?!

“Yes, I bought pork belly, but you might remember, we were running around outside until recently, so I haven’t had time to…”

“Alright, alright,” he said smoothly and grinned down at her, “I was just asking. Let me take care of the pork belly while you… sit over there and drink a whole bottle of sake.”

Ah, he was obviously enjoying himself. And she had lost so thoroughly, with not even a chance to get him to take these pills. Sitting down with an angry huff, she decided to let him struggle with the soup alone, what did she care.

After filling her cup, she began sipping steadily just to prove to him she had no issue drinking a whole bottle by herself. Though frankly, she hadn’t had anything to drink in months and just the one little cup was going to her head pretty fast. How strong was sake anyway? She tried to see whether it was indicated on the label but she couldn’t make it out.

“Do you have eggs?” he asked.

“In the fridge,” she replied curtly, watching him rummage through its contents, taking out two eggs and white miso paste. Had he cut the vegetables so slowly to vex her? Watching him move around quite swiftly, checking her cupboards and drawers for things he needed, she came to the conclusion that it was possible. It started to smell very good. So he did know what he was doing, huh.

“Mirin?” he asked, throwing her a glance over his shoulder.

“Don’t have it,” she murmured. She never used enough of it and it went bad.

“There’s a lot of sake to go,” he commented, pointing at the bottle, “you should speed up a little.”

Definitely enjoying himself. She filled her cup again and drank it down, immediately filling it a third time and a fourth time.

“You should take your medication,” she told him, “there must be a good reason why Tsunade gave me those pills for you.”

“Probably,” he agreed, but continued doing this and that without seeming inclined to humor her.

“We could share this sake,” she said, “and you take the pills afterwards.”

“Hm, I suppose I could,” he said, briefly slowing down his movements. So he was listening? Hopeful, she got up to get the second cup out of the cupboard, shoving him aside with her hip.

Had she just done that?!

She went on her tiptoes and reached up but he was faster, closing his finger around the cup just as she closed her fingers… around his fingers.

She froze.

“Is this a very valuable cup?” he asked with a smirk, “so that we need to take it down together?”

She blushed crimson red, letting go like she had touched the hot stove and for a brief moment, she considered running out of the kitchen to hide her burning face. But she was no little girl anymore, why was she so timid around him?

Murmuring encouragements to herself under her breath, she returned to the table and poured herself another cup.

“We share and then I take the pills,” he said, “deal?”

The doctor in her screamed a big fat “no” at her, but the doctor in her was also already quite tipsy and didn’t seem to care as much as she should. It had been a farce from the beginning anyway, how could anyone take a real patient home?

“Deal,” she said and filled his cup to the rim.

“Kanpai!” he cheered and clinked his cup to hers, turning back to the stove happily, booty in hand.

I need to think, Sakura thought, because there was something bugging her, but this was easier thought than done. How many cups had she had?

“Kakashi Sen…”

“Drop the Sensei,” he said.

The mere thought of calling him anything else gave her palpitations. And that… that was what bugged her… she acted strangely around him, like… like a schoolgirl with a crush.

Dammit.

It’s because I’m attracted to him, she realized with an extensive flutter in her stomach. Well done, Sakura. You meet him again after this long and now you’re crushing on him? You’re a married woman!

This wasn’t good. Watching this tall, handsome man move around in her tiny kitchen like he owned it did not help one bit. She noticed the fluidity of his movements, the energy of his presence and… she blushed again. Those trousers were very well cut.

A sneaking suspicion came over her.

Tsunade. What if she had already put substances into the water? It would most certainly explain her state of confusion! Kakashi didn’t seem affected at all though, paying her no undue attention whatsoever. Was it because only she had drunk unboiled tap water? Or.. why should he be, she thought with a rueful shake of her head, he probably had no lack of women throwing themselves at him.

“You’re doing well,” he said at her ear, scaring her into another tiny squeal. “But you’re skittish,” he observed and took the bottle to fill his cup again.

And then, he sat down, stretching his long legs to the side and resting his chin on his interlocked hands to watch the pots. She was getting hungrier by the second. Not much longer and she would be salivating.

The table in the kitchen was very small, but it fit nicely against the wall, leaving enough room to move about and she often had her breakfast here, the light was lovely in the mornings. There were two proper chairs to each side and one stool at the slightly longer edge for the unlikely case that three people would want to sit in this cramped space. Since everything was so small, he was sitting very close to her and all she could do was stare helplessly from the side at the part of his face that was visible, thinking that his nose looked like a fine nose and that she could see the contours of his lips this way.

“So,” he said, “what do you think it is?”

“What... is?” she gulped, blinking rapidly.

“Tsunade’s plan,” he said grimly, turning his dark eyes on her.

Babies, Sakura thought with another flutter in her stomach, she wants babies, many Hatake babies, little Jonin as good as you…

“Sakura?” Kakashi asked with a slight frown.

“Y...yes?”

“Share your suspicions with me. I have a few myself, but I am unsure.”

“Ba…,” she blurted out before she could stop herself, but her mouth did not get to finish forming the words because he sprang up at a hissing sound from the stove. Liquid from one of the pots had boiled over and he quickly put it to rights before turning his attention back to her.

“You were saying? Bait? Who is bait?” he sat back down and she continued her staring, thinking he really had not aged at all. What kind of diet was he normally on? Her eyes fell on the pills in front of them.

“Those,” she said to distract herself, but also because she suddenly had an inkling why there were so many. She knew of the existence of soldier enhancement pills, though the details of those were classified. An elite ninja nearing forty years of age with no retirement in sight…

“The pills?” he asked surprised, shifting his eyes to the pill dispensers too.

“She knows I will be able to make you take them,” she lied, “and that is of the utmost importance.”

“You think so?” he wondered, looking rather puzzled. And so very cute with that tousled silver hair of his that she felt like ruffling. Sakura hit her forehead with her hand to jolt that brain of hers out of its current mode.

“Do you have another idea?” he said and bent forward, eager to hear about.

“Those are soldier enhancement pills,” she said, “am I right?” Not that she knew much about these kind of drugs, apart from the fact that they existed.

He looked down at them again. “Hm,” he mused, “maybe… Yes, they could be.”

“You know that it’s dangerous to take them for too long?” she snapped, tapping into the anger that stirred in her all of a sudden, thinking anger would save her mind from going to places it should not go. “These pills leave you utterly exhausted and if you’re unlucky, dying.”

“Then I must be lucky because I’m not dead yet,” he said and smiled. “But you are right. I should take them.”

No, don’t! she wanted to tell him, but that would not do. He probably needed them.

He got up to take a glass out of the cupboard, filling it with water to the rim. Why the trepidations? She looked on helplessly, feeling trapped and manipulated. And then she closed her eyes for a bit because she was feeling extremely dizzy.

“Here,” he said and when she opened her eyes, he had put a bowl of steaming and deliciously smelling soup in front of her, “eat. And stop drinking sake or you’ll feel sick tomorrow.”

Chopsticks and a spoon he put on the table too and a paper napkin, all things he must have found going through her kitchen cupboards while she had sat here useless and increasingly drunk.

“Are you not eating?” she pressed out.

“Afterwards,” he said, making a small gesture with his chin towards the pills, “maybe.”

The tone of his voice was neutral, but she still saw it very clearly - her Sensei wanted to step back into his shell. It had always been there, hiding who he really was very efficiently. There had been a time she had thought it would be nice to be able to break that shell and see what it was hiding. But she had come to the conclusion that people had a right to their shells and it was no business of hers to meddle with their need for reclusiveness.

Was it something to be proud of, that he had briefly come out of his to take her out of hers? Or should she be afraid... afraid that the lonely comfort her shell had afforded her all these years could become useless going forward because she now knew just how lonely it had been - and that there was a happiness to be outside that was not hers to crave.

A single moment of happiness could change it all, even if it was already gone, maybe never to return.

***

Eight pills. They were all small and of an overall brownish color, but with some variation in their hue, two of them glittering metallic in the warm artificial light of Sakura’s living room. Kakashi had no recollection at all what they were for and he couldn’t even be sure he had ever known, but as a shinobi of Konoha, he could not refuse his Hokage’s order to take them.

He should not even question his superior’s motives, shouldn’t he.

And yet, here he sat and looked at the pills for the longest time as if that could help him decide what to do next. Maybe Sakura was right. Maybe there was no grand plan. Maybe Tsunade had really asked Sakura to help because she believed his former student could persuade him to do what he would naturally be reluctant to do.

Eight pills.

Just like 361, the overall number of pressure points on a human’s body, eight was a meaningful number to him. A jonin’s overall ability was proportional to his ability to control, conserve and focus his chakra, nothing more and nothing less. Some had more, some had less, some were more talented, some less so, some worked harder, some not so hard.

But there was a limit to the amount of chakra any individual could release. The number of special tenketsu on a person's Chakra Pathway System to make a body weaker than it could be, the protection mechanism to make sure it would not expire too soon was eight.

Opening the Eight Gates was a feat only very few Shinobi had ever mastered. If it worked, they briefly became the most powerful beings in the universe. Usually, it resulted in their death.

Kakashi opened the pill dispenser. The only way to find out what those were for sure was to swallow them.

With a sigh, he closed it again. If his suspicion was correct and these pills would affect his Gates, he would not want to sit around in Sakura’s living room after taking them. So he better made sure she was alright first.

He got up quietly and went back into the kitchen.

Sakura’s head was on the table, her arms hanging down by her sides. The smell of sake mixed with the scent of cold udon soup made him feel a little guilty. He should have stopped her from drinking so much alcohol. But then again, she was a grown woman now, fully capable of her own decisions.

She had cleaned out her bowl, he saw, and that made him smile quite unexpectedly. He had not cooked for many people in his life. That she had liked the soup pleased him a lot.

“Sakura,” he said softly, careful not to startle her.

There was no sign of waking.

“Sakura,” he said a little louder.

Had she passed out? His eyes checked the level of alcohol in the bottle and that made it clear that indeed, she must have: It was empty. What time was it? Around eleven? He had sat in that living room for a long time staring at those pills and she had not budged from the kitchen, maybe out of consideration for him. Drinking the entire bottle. What a silly woman.

“I told you you’d get a headache,” he said, but wasn’t she a very skilled medical professional? She could probably heal a headache without even thinking about it.

Kakashi looked at her still form, unsure whether to shake her awake or leave her be. The position she was in looked uncomfortable, not least because one of her cheeks was resting on top of her spoon. Her pink hair was covering most of her face. When he had first become her teacher, she had worn it very long - too long for a shinobi, but he had not considered it his duty to tell her that, she had to realize herself. And indeed, she had cut her own hair during the Chunin exams, leaving her timid self behind her, never growing it back. It was still a very practical ear-length befitting someone in her line of work, a red hairband where she had once worn her forehead protector.

She was not having a peaceful sleep. Maybe he should move her.

But first, he took the bowl from the table and cleaned up the kitchen, storing the leftover soup in the fridge. He was hungry, but now was not the time to eat. He did not try to be particularly quiet, hoping she would wake up and walk to her bed - but she did not.

And so he found himself looking at her again not much later. Her breath had moved some of the hair aside, making visible the diamond shaped Strength of a Hundred Seal on her forehead. Her chakra control had always been extremely good, but she had surpassed all his expectations. He only knew two people who had mastered this technique: Tsunade and Sakura. How long had it taken her to form the seal? It was formed by storing vast amounts of chakra over an extended period of time into a specific point on the body, allowing the user to perform complicated techniques without any wasted energy.

“I am going to lift you up,” he told her, hoping that would be sufficient to prevent any defensive reactions from her.

Carefully, he took her by the shoulders and righted her, only to have her head fall backwards, having him scramble to catch it with his right arm. She mumbled something, but she was still out. Lowering himself, he slid his left arm underneath her knees.

Kakashi lifted her up effortlessly, adjusting his arms so that she would be comfortable as he straightened himself. She mumbled something again and turned her face against his chest, probably to protect her eyes from the light. Stepping out of the kitchen and switching off the lights with his elbow in passing, he carried her towards what had to be the bedroom.

It was almost entirely dark inside, the blinds were lowered, but his keen senses did not need any light to orient himself. Apart from a very large wardrobe and a mirror, there only was a large bed - and her scent. The room smelled of Sakura so much he was briefly taken aback - but why should it not. It was where she lived and where she spent her nights, so of course it would smell of her.

There was one side of the bed that looked used, so that was where he put her down, making sure her head came to rest on the pillow. It was not yet hot in Konoha, which had him feel around for a blanket to put over her so she would not feel cold, taking off her pink rabbit slippers in the process.

Not that he could see them now, but he had noticed when they had come in, making him smile in secret. They were cute, like her.

She seemed comfortable enough now, he assured himself and then tiptoed out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Back on the sofa, he put the pill into his mouth.

Disgusting.

Quickly, he washed it down with a large quantity of water.

Chapter 5