Boys before Friends - Episode 4 (A SnarkCap)

kakashi: This, my dear friends, is Joseph Almani and Dawn Morrow's farewell episode. It may also be the very last episode of the USBoFiasco ever, so let's totally enjoy this one! Like ... even more than usual!!!
bcook: on this sad and gloomy day (hold on I can't type i'm laughing so hard) let us take a second to go over all their wonderful moments...or we could know... watch the 15 minute recap.
kakashi: Since we last blogged about this "show", this happened:

JoAnne is now besties with Joseph. They chat about lunch choices and giggle about random things. I admit, I'm a bit jealous. Plus, he reads our SnarkCaps. Hi there, Joseph! We love you!
JoAnne:  What can I say, I'm easy to love. Although in all truth, it appears that Mr. Almani is a complete sweetheart with a positive attitude who followed back many of those who followed him, and religiously retweets pretttttttty much everything he gets.  He did, however, actually respond to a few tweets from us (that weren't questions, even) which is why we feel we are special this week.
bcook: His sweetness made me feel guilty for like a second. 
kakashi: You're such a good person.  

Episode 4 (of 16?! not likely)

kakashi: This episode proves to be every recappers dram. It starts off with ... 8 minutes of rehashing the last episode. In words: eight minutes. Well, at first we get a rehash before the opening credits, which are also not of the short sort. After the opening credits we get more rehash, but it's not declared as such. We get that the everybody-dances, the ass-groping, the glass-eye, the "can-we-start-over"/"can we dance" and the everybody-on-legs-kisses-cause-the-DJ-says-so scenes. Oh, I think I can spot a difference! The kissing scene between Liam and Zoey is much more illuminated in episode 4. See? On the left: new. On the right: old.
JoAnne:  Sadly, this does not mean that the people responsible for putting together this drama's pieces actually SAW the light.
bcook: I really like how the opening credit names everybody. Basically a "You will go down with this ship" from the writers/producers/sound editors
kakashi: Everybody is totally into the kissing, but at least two of the (good) women that did kissing react totally shocked to the kissing. The prize for the best line goes to Noah who shouts after the fleeing Chloe: "You know, running away won't solve anything ... we're confined in the house for days!"
JoAnne: I always liked her, I came to like him pretty quickly, and now I want them together.  They're squishy cute. I want to squish them with love.
bcook: Agreed. I shock myself.
kakashi: Zoey and Liam have to be ripped apart by her friends, their tongues are that deeeeeeep into each other's throats. Anyway, someone must explain this concept of French-kissing-a-guy-you-absolutely-despise-without-being-absolutely-drunk to me. JoAnne? (What are you implying?  The only guy I ever kissed that I hated was my husband.) They have some lines but I cannot hear anything (should have watched with subtitles, maybe?). While running out, somebody randomly slaps Chase, the only guy that didn't get any tongue-action - seems a bit unfair to me!
JoAnne:   Somewhere in this episode I noticed that 1)the English subs were wrong for the conversation (in English) and 2) the subbers just gave up and wrote (something unintelligible) instead of the lines, which were, actually, unintelligible.  And 1) happened more than once.
bcook: hehehehehehe. I sadly did not watch on viki so missed that joy. Chase getting slapped was awesome.
kakashi: Liam is very happy cause he is now convinced that Zoey loves him. The other guys are also talking about their various kissing experience. The only problem: I don't know who says what, cause the camera stays focused on Liam, who isn't saying or doing anything. But he's hawt, so thanks.
JoAnne: I think it was here that I began to feel as though I would be happier if they just basically filmed Liam making reactionary faces and stopped trying to have a plot.
bcook: I wasn't paying attention on where everybody was so I was very confused about who was talking. I think the camera guy/girl has a crush on Liam. Could this be one of the reasons why he got fired?
kakashi: Chase is humiliated because he was turned down. So he goes and tries to pick up Nikki. But she has a boyfriend now, she declares: Chris. The kissing was very good for them. This is the beginning of Chase's DEEP identity crisis, which will lead him from the darkness of immorality to the light of true goodness.
JoAnne: And then straight back to the darkness, 30 seconds later.  I like him though.  And did you see how stunned  New Boyfriend looked after Stripper Barbie laid a big wet one on him?  And grateful?  That's the kind of man you want.  One who is grateful for your smoochies. But he can't be a wuss about it because if you are a wussy you don't get no...never mind, I don't use that word.
bcook: Satisfaction? *blinks innocently*
kakashi: The good girls are back at the house, talking about the kissing. Aubrey joins them, to talk about kissing. The dialogue is so pointless it's actually bordering on meaningful. NOT. We're now at 12 minutes and 40 seconds and absolutely nothing has happened. Apart from the kissing and the talking about the kissing.
JoAnne: They have all switched to yoga clothes and put their hair in sleepy-time buns but still have club make-up on. And I'm afraid someone will put an eye out on that bedframe.  I keep waiting for Aubs to turn evil like she does in the drama that I used to think was terribly awful but good, BoF. But now? Oh, I have seen the light.
bcook: The world's fakest pillow fight ensues. I haven't seen fake like that since high school.  The girl saying Piper's lines is cool. I want to be her friend.
kakashi: The next scene is ... I am not sure? People are sitting outside, at the pool, laughing, drinking something out of cups. There is dialogue but it's impossible to hear a single word, cause the wind is so strong. I am pretty sure even complete laymen have mastered the art of microphone windscreens decades ago? And have you guy heard of that thing called "editing"? But that's minor stuff, cause the important things is that Chase tries to tell a story (not about kissing). For minutes and minutes and minutes. Everybody makes fun of him. People stumble over their lines. We are now at 18 minutes.
JoAnne:  This was...see their faces?  That's what this was.
bcook: For a few minutes Chase goes out of character, my gaydar pings wildly. I will never look at him the same way again. (To the actor saying Chase's lines...if you're bad. My dar is pretty accurate though. Time for some reflection?)
kakashi: The next day (?) they play pointless games. Boys against girls, of course ... Cause they're all 12, and that's the kind of games you play at that age. WTF! The girls win and they get to "choose" a boy next. WTF! Of course, Zoey ends up with Liam, whom she totally didn't want to end up with, but hey! They have a truce, remember?
JoAnne:  A few thoughts:  getting saran wrapped by your hair, which happens to Cool Chick, is painful.   I'd have banged my knee on the coffee table SO hard.  Who stands that far apart to talk if there's no reason to stand that far apart?  Do all people look that awkward if they're just standing there talking? 
bcook: You guys forgot about the awesome house montage and graphics. I was expecting some rental information to popup. "If you like this house, call this number". In Cheondamdong 111 (reality show plug!) you'll see the 1st year acting trainees doing exactly that distance thing.  They get better after 3 episodes. These guys not so much.
kakashi: People talk about people that are into them and people they are into. Somebody just shoot me. How is this anything like Hana Yori Dango??? Another gold nugget from the realm of pointless lines: "I don't mind helping you out - cause Chloe deserves a chance at happiness". I constantly think my ears and/or earphones aren't okay, but ... nope, not me.
JoAnne:  I did laugh when Piper said 'just keep trying, you'll wear her down.' He better FILL her apartment with roses.  It seems a bit trite for the cool tough chick, but maybe it's supposed to be quirky and adorable that she melts for red roses.
bcook: The butt slap was not ok. Is it sad that the inane conversation is (slightly) better written than the stuff that's actually relevant to the story?
kakashi: Some people are kissing. Some people are not. Liam and Zoey talk. Liam is a total softie and "really deep" and actually a good guy - of FRIGGIN course. The bottom line to this conversation is this:
Zoey: "There's more to you than I thought".
Liam: "Thanks".
(I would have liked to include a picture of Liam, but unfortunately, the camera stayed on Zoey for the entire scene)
JoAnne:  When he said the stuff about money and how he wasn't into things or status or all that I wished like hell there was something, some video somewhere, just even some really bad quality footage that captured him being the kind of dick that DOES think money and status are important and that pushing cake in people's faces is a legitimate way to...hey! wait a minute!
bcook: He's a jerk...but a jerk who likes kids you know.
kakashi: Then, Zoey teaches Liam how to dance, while Krissy eats what'sHisName's face in the background. When Oliver and some other people come, Liam blocks them from our view. Nice ass. Oh, wait ... the ass is behind the armchair, which takes up about half the screen.
JoAnne: She's Krissy? I assumed she was Jessica.  I just call her Ms. Weave. Although now that she's gotten laid she's much nicer.  The dancing, so cute.  Did you remember back to Human Trafficking Haven and think hey, maybe Liam's mom could fund it and Zoey could teach dancing there while Liam, I don't know, goes out and saves kids from hell?
bcook: Face eater is totally dating face eatee. This is just paid makeout time. Or it's for like art.
kakashi: Then, they're ... hiking. I guess. And somebody is filming with a hand camera. That's a smart idea, cause that's a perfect excuse for no sound. Oh, but that was brief ... We now get to see a shirtless Chase explaining a drinking game ... I guess? I cannot hear a word because the music is so loud. I spot Joseph Almani (that's Liam) in the background. He is also shirtless and I am impressed. Why is  he so far at the back though??? (zooming in)
JoAnne: That guy.  He follows me on Twitter, you know.
bcook: I got in a couple of pages of a really good book during this montage.
kakashi: We're at 30 minutes and something now. This will soon be over. Ah! Before I forget ... people also throw water at each other.
JoAnne:  They do all kinds of shit, and Chase is wearing a Beer Pong shirt, and somewhere in here I think gee, they look like they're having fun.  I bet they all liked each other.  And then I got a little sad, but I cheered up when I realized just how much worse this could actually get.
bcook: do you think this was a farewell party for Liam and Zoey2?
kakashi: Oh, now something happens. Piper is crying. Chase comes in and says: "All joking and flirting aside ... tell me what's up". So ... her boyfriend, who was supposed to visit her, can't make it. Chase is very genuinely sorry and looks at her all loving and concerned and gives her great relationship advise, cause he's also a great and totally misunderstood guy. Somebody's stomach growls audibly.
JoAnne:  NOW the sound is good. NOW.
bcook: When did he suggest stuff about vanilla for the cupcake? (last episode. You need to pay attention to all that important stuff, gurl!) And what is it with this guy and putting icing on her face?! That stuff makes you break out. (Not like I know from experience or anything)
kakashi: The great Grump named Oliver is also really sad. Yeah, you guessed right ... girl problems. She went to New York. FOREVER. Zoey tells him to go after her. They hug. We see it from several angles ... hey! that's just like in KDrama! Liam sees it all and the bad girls as well and they go "yeah, she's totally into Oliver"
JoAnne: Poor Oliver.  It's too bad he's so poor and there's no way to get from the West Coast to the East Coast in just a few - hey!
bcook: Oh! Noticed that the actor saying Oliver's lines has last name "Culkin" D'u think he's Maculey Culkin's frustrated cousin? Struggling to make it in Hollywood despite his name and acting skills?
kakashi: Liam gets insanely jealous and confronts Zoey: so, she is in love with Oliver? What a tease she is! She wants to storm out, but he grabs her and .... oh. KISS. Hot kiss. She breaks off, though, and runs out. He calls after her that he didn't mean to do that. Hahaha, suuuuuuure. Somebody drops a microphone. Oupsie.
JoAnne: Maaaaaaaaaajor props on the kissing in this, really. But I'd have bought her anger at the end a little better if she hadn't practically JUMPED him at the beginning. That girl was eager.
bcook: Is THIS why they were let go? One of the writers is secretly in love with Dawn. After watching the playback he realized she was adding a little to much reality into her "art". In a jealous fit he angrily fires both Dawn and Joseph.
kakashi: Later, they're on the balcony. Oh! Beautiful sunset!!! Liam asks Zoey out. The End.
JoAnne:  Next week,  while the camera focuses on the wall, we hear a female voice say 'No, I hate you!' off camera.  Then we hear a male voice say, 'You're such a bitch!' We hear the sounds of struggling and then screams - which fade away rapidly - ending in the solid THUNK! of two bodies hitting the rock hard earth several stories below. The scene abruptly changes to the exterior of a long-term rehab facility, then a title card that says 'Six Months Later, Two Months Ago', and then an exam room inside the facility where we watch as two mystery patients slowly have the bandages unwound from their heads.  We learn from the comments of gathered friends we can hear but not see that Zoey and Liam landed on their faces after that terrible plummet to Earth and have had 100% reconstructive surgery. The damage was so extensive that even their voices have changed, and months in medically-induced comas have made them taller/shorter thinner/fatter. They in no way resemble their old selves -but really, after such a traumatic event, who WOULDN'T be a completely different person?
bcook: bwahaha

kakashi: Well. That was ... interesting. There's 25% stuff from last week's episode, 74% of absolutely pointless scenes in which girls and boys have some "fun" together and/or talk about kissing and having fun together, and 1% plot development, which consists of Oliver's girlfriend going to New York forever (off screen, unfortunately) and Liam asking Zoey out. The BbF website promised something completely different, namely that "Episode 4 will begin where episode 3 leaves off" (lies! it started with about half of episode 3!) and "it will also have a few surprises." Oh. Huh. Well ...
JoAnne:  Well I was surprised that Zoey made out with Liam, but I bet they're talking about the story epitaph, when Airhead and Meathead came in with the axe they found after returning from the waterfall in the middle of the forest.
bcook: That scene would have been so funny if (oh I dunno) the actors had comedic timing? Knew what they were doing? Actually cared?
kakashi: So, this is farewell to Zoey #2 and Liam #1. I am sorry to see them go! They were the best this show had to offer. All the best to you guys!
JoAnne:  Let's do lunch. No but really, all jokes aside, WTF.
kakashi: I hope, hope, HOPE that this will continue. But no, I'm not quite ready to donate yet.
JoAnne: It will be a cold day in hell...
bcook: They're still taking donations?! 
kakashi: Still / Again, who knows! But the money is running out and we soon will not be able to SnarkCap anymore. *cries* 
bcook: You know, there are lessons to be learned from the producers/writers/casting agents/sound editors of this show. In daring, perseverance, not letting what people say influence your actions, sticking to something you believe in despite the naysayers. Just...make sure your product/dream is a complete pile of #@^*.